Blog - Dr Rebecca Ray

20 Lessons of Living Through Trauma: From Both Sides of the Couch

Shame | 3 Comments

As someone who has lived through trauma, I know intimately how the psyche is affected. I’ve undertaken the healing work to live well with a brain that still bears the scars of that trauma, and I accept that I still need therapeutic ‘top ups’ from time to...

40 Things I Refuse to Do Anymore: Lessons in Authenticity, Self-Preservation, and Brave Living

Self-care | 26 Comments

It’s not rare for me have periods of self-reflection. I do so on a daily basis, and deeply, in writing, on a monthly basis at least. But the eve of my 40th birthday brought a gift I wasn’t expecting, until I sat down and really thought about it: freedom. There’s...

Failing Bravely: The Power of Offering Yourself Another Chance

Courage | 18 Comments

Emotional Safety is Seductive In 2012, a professional singer I know sent in a video audition to The Voice. She did it on a whim, but she was in her mid-twenties in an industry that has a very clear bias towards artists much younger, and deep down she...

A Letter to My Strong, Brave, Determined Self

Resilience | 9 Comments

I know you’re in there. I can’t hear you because our Tired, Fearful, Stuck Self is louder than you right now. I know you’re in there. But I’m struggling to connect with you because our Tired, Fearful, Stuck self has me convinced of some...

Repair It or Repeat It: Why the Best Way Out is Always Through

Anxiety | 0 Comments

Sunday Suffering Initially, it would come on at about 5 pm. Every Sunday. No matter where I was or what I was doing. A disquiet in the base of my gut that had the capacity to wrap up the joy from my weekend and firmly place it out of...

What If … Everything Turned Out as You Hoped?

Hope | 4 Comments

Tomorrow’s Forecast Looks Like … Your mind is neither a fortune teller nor time traveller, but that won’t stop it from trying to project into the future or cast back to what’s already been. Minds are constantly gathering information to...

Stuck in Struggle: When Fear Douses Your Dreams (And What to Do About It)

Anxiety | 0 Comments

Eight Years …Eight years. That’s how long it had been since Kate could remember waking up in the morning and not vomiting from anxiety. Three years longer than her daughter had been alive, more than two thirds of the entirety of her marriage, and likely...

Overcoming Blocks to Your Dreams – Overanalysis and Other Annoying Things the Brain Does When It’s Scared

Change, Courage | 14 Comments

When Fear Takes Hold It was a Tuesday many years ago when Jane (not her real name) and I met. I was in full-time clinical practice and my schedule was booked solid for this particular day. In between clients, I slipped into the kitchen to make tea. I...

Hope is Never on Holiday

Hope | 0 Comments

It Started Off Well …You’re a little further on from the promises you made to yourself at the beginning.The beginning of the year. Month. Week. Day. Whenever it was, it was a beginning that you were invested in because something powerful was present:...

When Your Path Forward is Elusive ~ Finding Direction for Your Dreams

Change | 8 Comments

The (Emotional) Winds of Change I don’t know the number of times in my life where I have lost, changed, or been unsure of my direction but I know there are too many to count. Three forks in the road stand out, though, because they were fraught with a...

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Rebecca Elsewhere

I write – sometimes a little, mostly a lot (because permission to embody creative living is freeing for doing the things I love most). My own projects demand most of my time, but I like to leave a small real estate space for guest writing in publications that resonate with me on a deep level. If you think that’s your brand, get in touch!

My words in special places …

Dreams for Breakfast: 5 Successful Women Share Their Morning Routines
Peppermint Magazine: We Are One issue, “An Ode to Quiet Courage” (article)
Move to Heal Project: Moving Through Emotional Discomfort – blog post
Peppermint Magazine: Digital Blog: Look on the Bright Side – extract from Be Happy Book
Peppermint Magazine: Ancient Wisdom Issue: The Counter-intuitive Path to Happiness
Wellness Goals: In Conversation with Rebecca Ray on Self-Care (interview)
Happy Mama Magazine: What I Wish I Knew About Becoming a Mama
Collective Hub: Entrepreneurs Need Not Be Fearless to Succeed. Here’s Why.
PsychCentral: 10 Small Ways to Create Brighter, More Inspiring Days
PsychCentral: The Most Important Probing Questions to Repeatedly Ask Ourselves (article)
Happiness Insights: What Book Changed Your Life? (profile)
Peppermint Magazine, Living with Less issue, “Happiness Habits” (article)
Happy Mama Magazine – The Art of Living in Creativity (interview)
Project Strong Woman (profile)

About me

Rebecca Ray

Longing to seek – and find! – a beautifully expansive, inspired life? You’re in the right place. I’m Dr Rebecca Ray, writer and clinical psychologist. I’m here to support you and guide you and your adventurous heart as you learn, grow and explore the possibilities of the expansive, inspired life you deserve.

Free Download ~ Manifesto for Brave Living

FREE QUIZ: Is Self-Sabotage Ruining Your Life?

Over on Instagram…

drrebeccaray

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So, in our quest to get this gorgeous collection of pages available worldwide, here’s what I’ve heard:
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Available in hardcover and kindle in UK, Canada, Australia and NZ
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Available only in Kindle in USA (because the books are still on their way across the oceans)
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I’ve heard that hardcover is currently sold out in Europe! Waiting on more stock to get to you!
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Please send my a pic when you’ve got your hands on yours! 😍
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Thank you for this 📷 @marsdenbooks 💖

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The things you learn through burnout, hey. *she says casually, after having been smashed in the face and brought to her knees by burnout ... over a period of years because she's exceptionally stubborn and a slow learner 😅*

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Not everyone gleefully anticipates tinsel, presents under the tree, and holiday movie-marathons.
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For some people, this time of year feels like a war of baubles and busyness they simply do their best to survive.
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Check on your friends who have lost someone, who wish they had someone, who are new to the area and don’t have their people nearby.
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Remind yourself of everything you’re grateful for from 2019.
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Remind yourself of everything you’ve achieved this year: strengths you’ve built upon, wounds you’re healing, areas that you’ve been more true to yourself than ever, people you’ve helped, things you’ve created.
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Set boundaries for self-preservation. ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ are your best friends when they are in line with your values and match the personal resources you have available to give.
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Don’t take it personally. Many people are exhausted by this time of year. Nerves are frayed. People are running on empty which leaves little emotional bandwidth leftover. Lead with love, kindness, and cutting yourself and those you love a little slack 💖

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I do this because it’s the most meaningful work I know how to do. The work itself feeds my spirit. But this community - your kindness in how you receive what I write and create, your generosity in writing messages like these to me ... you are what keeps me going (and when shitty days visit me, you make them so much better!) THANK YOU ❤️

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SWIPE ->>
It didn't work out as you wanted it to. In fact, you 'knew from the start' that it wasn't going to work out. You predicted it would pan out this way. And it has.

But what if it was exactly your predictions that caused it turn out this way?

Don't panic - I'm not about to go all woo-woo on you and tell you that you 'manifested' ineffectively. And I'm also not referring to the times when you consult with your intuition. Both the cosmic and the perceptive have a place, but neither are what I'm getting at here.

Let me explain. There is a cycle of influence that creates what psychologists call a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sounds like it’s straight out of Hogwarts, but I promise it's a thing, and I want to help you raise your awareness in case it’s happening for you.

A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when you believe something about yourself that influences your expectations in a particular situation. You then align your actions to bring about the result you expect, which then confirms your original belief.

For example, you believe you ‘can’t lose weight’. This belief creates an expectation that changing your nutritional balance won’t make any difference. So, you don’t change it. And you don’t lose weight. Which confirms your belief that you ‘can’t lose weight’.
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It works in helpful ways, too: You hold a belief that you are particularly good at art because your art teacher in high school liked your work. You expect your art to be well-received. You make a lot of art, which gives plenty of opportunities for the art to be well-received, confirming your original belief.

The problem arises when we end up in a vicious cycle of negative beliefs about ourselves that then result in self-sabotage.
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‘I’m unlovable’ -> push people away before they can reject you
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‘There are no jobs out there for me’ -> narrows focus to unsuitable jobs, doesn’t apply for any jobs .
‘My health is too far gone now’ - > makes no effort to change

Change starts with awareness first.
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What stories are you running about yourself that you might be inadvertently confirming?

𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗴𝗼?

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SWIPE ->>
Feelings are messengers.
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A big part of placing trust in ourselves is understanding and respecting the language of our own feelings.
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Feelings don’t manifest in exactly the same way across people or situations.
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But with compassionate awareness, you can translate your feelings accurately and quickly, which opens up the chance to act upon them in a healthy, mindful way.
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These are just a *few* of the more complex feelings with messages that they may be trying to send you 💗

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You are it. The healing you are looking for? You're it. No one else can do it for you (unfortunately!).
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Doing the work asks just that: that you participate in change.
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You may find guidance along the way ... a wise therapist or mentor, a loving relationship that shows you how things can be, a book that transforms how you see yourself.
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But ultimately, it comes down to you showing up for yourself, being willing to observe what’s not working with gentleness and curiosity, and then taking action to become re-aligned with your values.
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It takes time and it will be imperfect.
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Change us always a squiggle and not a straight line! 🌱

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As we enter the season of unrealistic expectations, demands from others we wish we could avoid, and more social events than there is room on the calendar, I want to remind you about letting go of the need for control.

Seeking control feels like an antidote to anxiety, especially the anxiety that shows up around perfectionism. But all it does is tightens anxiety's grip on you.

Perfectionism is a false promise from the fears we face that if we prove ourselves, then we can escape judgement, disapproval, rejection, embarrassment, and failure.

This leads us onto a mouse-wheel of attempts to control everything that could result in imperfection. Here, we meet head-on with all the uncontrollables:
- other people
- our personal resources (time, money, emotional, physical, and cognitive energy, motivation)
- our internal experiences with thoughts and feelings, the past, the future, etc.

We run and run on the impossible mouse-wheel of control until we burn out and hit peak emotional exhaustion.

The rational side of you understands that you can't control everything and perfection is impossible, but the emotional side of you has no other way to reckon with fear. The result is paralysis.

There is another way that will save your sanity, energy, and emotional well-being - and that is to release your grip on control by remembering:
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- Fear is out to protect you, but it's stories about future-based dilemmas are usually far more melodramatic than any reality we live into.
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- We live under the illusion of control. Actually, we survive perfectly well (pardon the perfectionism pun) controlling far less than we like to believe we do.
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- Emotional discomfort is a fact of life. While we can't avoid it, we can choose discomfort for growth and living bravely and meaningfully rather than discomfort of stagnation, hiding from life, and masking our true selves.
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- There is no such thing as perfection. Giving yourself permission to stop striving and instead, simply show up as best as you can today is where freedom starts.
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- Your future self will always be much more grateful for the results of you taking action than looking back on time wasted in a state of fear-induced paralysis.

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** Did you hear?! **
All 3 of my books are now available in hardcover and on kindle worldwide! Head to your local excellent bookstore (ie the one that sticks my books 😁) or jump online and gift yourself a copy ... or throw them in someone’s stocking! 🎄🎁

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The building blocks of worthiness start with the words we say to ourselves. Go gently, lovely ones 🌿