Resilience Archives - Dr Rebecca Ray

A Letter to My Strong, Brave, Determined Self

Free Download: 21 Days of Kind Conversation (with Yourself) I know you’re in there. I can’t hear you because our Tired, Fearful, Stuck Self is louder than you right now. I know you’re in there. But I’m struggling to connect with you...

Life: How to Hold It Gently (When You’d Prefer to Fight with Every Fibre of Your Being)

by Rebecca Ray | Resilience

FREE DOWNLOAD: Reminders for Revolutionary Healing A week ago, I received some news I wasn’t expecting. It was news that travelled down the phone quickly and sideways before burying itself into my ear – with just the same amount of comfort you’d expect a sand crab...

Comfortably Numb: When Avoiding Pain is Not at All Comfortable.

by Rebecca Ray | Resilience

Free Download: Manifesto for Brave Living Comfortably Numb: When Avoiding Pain is Not at All Comfortable. “I just want to be happy,” you say. Translation: “I’d like to feel only the pleasant feelings from here on in, thanks very much.” I get it. A reasonable request,...

The Complexities of Wanting (Something Very Badly)

by Rebecca Ray | Resilience

Free Download: 5-Day Disconnection Challenge Have you ever wanted something so badly it permeates your every waking second? Like a melody you can’t get out of your head, the wanting loops endlessly in your mind and its beat mimics that of your own heart. Wanting of...

Making Sense of the Nonsensical

by Rebecca Ray | Resilience

Free Download: Brave Wallpaper A follower of my Instagram page asked me this week to write about the process of making sense of things that don’t make sense – the nonsensical events in our lives that often represent the fractures, fault lines, and shadows of our...

About me

Rebecca Ray

Longing to seek – and find! – a beautifully expansive, inspired life? You’re in the right place. I’m Dr Rebecca Ray, writer and clinical psychologist. I’m here to support you and guide you and your adventurous heart as you learn, grow and explore the possibilities of the expansive, inspired life you deserve.

Free Download ~ Manifesto for Brave Living

FREE QUIZ: Is Self-Sabotage Ruining Your Life?

Over on Instagram…

drrebeccaray

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May the voice within be the gentlest voice you know (with practise, of course!) 💜

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So, in our quest to get this gorgeous collection of pages available worldwide, here’s what I’ve heard:
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Available in hardcover and kindle in UK, Canada, Australia and NZ
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Available only in Kindle in USA (because the books are still on their way across the oceans)
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I’ve heard that hardcover is currently sold out in Europe! Waiting on more stock to get to you!
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Please send my a pic when you’ve got your hands on yours! 😍
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Thank you for this 📷 @marsdenbooks 💖

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The things you learn through burnout, hey. *she says casually, after having been smashed in the face and brought to her knees by burnout ... over a period of years because she's exceptionally stubborn and a slow learner 😅*

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Not everyone gleefully anticipates tinsel, presents under the tree, and holiday movie-marathons.
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For some people, this time of year feels like a war of baubles and busyness they simply do their best to survive.
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Check on your friends who have lost someone, who wish they had someone, who are new to the area and don’t have their people nearby.
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Remind yourself of everything you’re grateful for from 2019.
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Remind yourself of everything you’ve achieved this year: strengths you’ve built upon, wounds you’re healing, areas that you’ve been more true to yourself than ever, people you’ve helped, things you’ve created.
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Set boundaries for self-preservation. ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ are your best friends when they are in line with your values and match the personal resources you have available to give.
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Don’t take it personally. Many people are exhausted by this time of year. Nerves are frayed. People are running on empty which leaves little emotional bandwidth leftover. Lead with love, kindness, and cutting yourself and those you love a little slack 💖

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I do this because it’s the most meaningful work I know how to do. The work itself feeds my spirit. But this community - your kindness in how you receive what I write and create, your generosity in writing messages like these to me ... you are what keeps me going (and when shitty days visit me, you make them so much better!) THANK YOU ❤️

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SWIPE ->>
It didn't work out as you wanted it to. In fact, you 'knew from the start' that it wasn't going to work out. You predicted it would pan out this way. And it has.

But what if it was exactly your predictions that caused it turn out this way?

Don't panic - I'm not about to go all woo-woo on you and tell you that you 'manifested' ineffectively. And I'm also not referring to the times when you consult with your intuition. Both the cosmic and the perceptive have a place, but neither are what I'm getting at here.

Let me explain. There is a cycle of influence that creates what psychologists call a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sounds like it’s straight out of Hogwarts, but I promise it's a thing, and I want to help you raise your awareness in case it’s happening for you.

A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when you believe something about yourself that influences your expectations in a particular situation. You then align your actions to bring about the result you expect, which then confirms your original belief.

For example, you believe you ‘can’t lose weight’. This belief creates an expectation that changing your nutritional balance won’t make any difference. So, you don’t change it. And you don’t lose weight. Which confirms your belief that you ‘can’t lose weight’.
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It works in helpful ways, too: You hold a belief that you are particularly good at art because your art teacher in high school liked your work. You expect your art to be well-received. You make a lot of art, which gives plenty of opportunities for the art to be well-received, confirming your original belief.

The problem arises when we end up in a vicious cycle of negative beliefs about ourselves that then result in self-sabotage.
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‘I’m unlovable’ -> push people away before they can reject you
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‘There are no jobs out there for me’ -> narrows focus to unsuitable jobs, doesn’t apply for any jobs .
‘My health is too far gone now’ - > makes no effort to change

Change starts with awareness first.
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What stories are you running about yourself that you might be inadvertently confirming?

𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗴𝗼?

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SWIPE ->>
Feelings are messengers.
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A big part of placing trust in ourselves is understanding and respecting the language of our own feelings.
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Feelings don’t manifest in exactly the same way across people or situations.
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But with compassionate awareness, you can translate your feelings accurately and quickly, which opens up the chance to act upon them in a healthy, mindful way.
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These are just a *few* of the more complex feelings with messages that they may be trying to send you 💗

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You are it. The healing you are looking for? You're it. No one else can do it for you (unfortunately!).
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Doing the work asks just that: that you participate in change.
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You may find guidance along the way ... a wise therapist or mentor, a loving relationship that shows you how things can be, a book that transforms how you see yourself.
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But ultimately, it comes down to you showing up for yourself, being willing to observe what’s not working with gentleness and curiosity, and then taking action to become re-aligned with your values.
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It takes time and it will be imperfect.
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Change us always a squiggle and not a straight line! 🌱

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As we enter the season of unrealistic expectations, demands from others we wish we could avoid, and more social events than there is room on the calendar, I want to remind you about letting go of the need for control.

Seeking control feels like an antidote to anxiety, especially the anxiety that shows up around perfectionism. But all it does is tightens anxiety's grip on you.

Perfectionism is a false promise from the fears we face that if we prove ourselves, then we can escape judgement, disapproval, rejection, embarrassment, and failure.

This leads us onto a mouse-wheel of attempts to control everything that could result in imperfection. Here, we meet head-on with all the uncontrollables:
- other people
- our personal resources (time, money, emotional, physical, and cognitive energy, motivation)
- our internal experiences with thoughts and feelings, the past, the future, etc.

We run and run on the impossible mouse-wheel of control until we burn out and hit peak emotional exhaustion.

The rational side of you understands that you can't control everything and perfection is impossible, but the emotional side of you has no other way to reckon with fear. The result is paralysis.

There is another way that will save your sanity, energy, and emotional well-being - and that is to release your grip on control by remembering:
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- Fear is out to protect you, but it's stories about future-based dilemmas are usually far more melodramatic than any reality we live into.
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- We live under the illusion of control. Actually, we survive perfectly well (pardon the perfectionism pun) controlling far less than we like to believe we do.
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- Emotional discomfort is a fact of life. While we can't avoid it, we can choose discomfort for growth and living bravely and meaningfully rather than discomfort of stagnation, hiding from life, and masking our true selves.
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- There is no such thing as perfection. Giving yourself permission to stop striving and instead, simply show up as best as you can today is where freedom starts.
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- Your future self will always be much more grateful for the results of you taking action than looking back on time wasted in a state of fear-induced paralysis.

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** Did you hear?! **
All 3 of my books are now available in hardcover and on kindle worldwide! Head to your local excellent bookstore (ie the one that sticks my books 😁) or jump online and gift yourself a copy ... or throw them in someone’s stocking! 🎄🎁