Show Notes

Hi, lovely one. So welcome to episode number 12 where I can’t wait to share with you my very first conversation for this podcast. That is a conversation not just with myself, and it feels fitting that this conversation be with my wife Nyssa considering she’s the most important person in the world to me, along with our little boy, of course, a listener of this podcast recently asked me to speak on the topic of how to grow as a couple, and I’m extending this topic to how to grow together as a creative couple, Nyssa and I are going to chat about how our relationship has evolved over time as we create separately and together and what does and doesn’t work for us. And as we do, I’m going to divide this episode into two parts. So this is part A, we’re going to talk about our journey together as a couple and how our creative selves have evolved during the time that we’ve been together the eight years that we’ve been together.

And then in Part B, we’re going to get practical with the strategies that we actually use to support each other in our creative endeavours and to support each other in love as well. So I can’t wait to get started. But before I introduce you to Nyssa, I just want to shout out CMarieB, who left the most beautiful review. After listening to the podcast, she said:

episode 6 review

“Dear Rebecca, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for failing at your other ventures in the last few years and Following that divine guiding hand to show up for this podcast, listening to you this past few days has helped me realise how tested and resilient that I am and how in perfectly perfect My life is. I truly am grateful that you have shared this work with the world. And I am now a devoted follower slash subscriber and feel a kindred spirit in your voice and words, keep going. Lovely. This is really great stuff that the world needs”

Beck – Wow. This just so incredibly lovely. And CMarieB, , please know from the depths of the most grateful part of my heart that I value the time that it took you to be able to go and write that review and I really hold that reviewed closely with me as I continue to create. It’s so lovely to know that there are people out there that clearly get what I’m about and receive my message so that it can transform what you’re about in the world as well. But reviews aside.

Beck- I’m pretty excited to introduce you to someone I know pretty well. she happens to be my wife Nyssa Ray. Nyssa is a musician, a vocalist, a music producer, and audio engineer. And my wife of course, that’s probably roll number one. And mother to our gorgeous two year old.

Beck- Are you anything else? Have I missed anything?

Nyssa – I don’t think so.

Beck- Okay. Well, welcome to the show.

Nyssa – Thanks.

Beck- Nice to have you here.

Nyssa – Hi, everybody. 

Beck- Nyssa has never been on a podcast before.

Nyssa – I’m a scaredy cat right now.

Beck- Despite the fact that she has recorded every single piece of audio I’ve ever done. She’s never actually spoken into the microphone with me. So this is the first for us. So, where I want to start today, someone asked me Can I talk about how we grow together as a couple and I feel like we have done so much growth together as human beings.

Since we first met in 2012, but I also feel like we have grown so much together creatively. And so what I want to talk about in this particular episode, part A of our conversation, because I know that we could talk forever, so, we’ve got a timer. That’s right. We’re gonna rain ourselves in because we do plan on talking forever, don’t we?

Nyssa – Yeah, yes,

Beck- that’s the whole thing about putting a ring on it, people. But where I want to start with this is, let’s go back to 2012 on where things were at with us creatively. So can you talk about where you’re at in 2012 and what you were doing?

Nyssa – I wasn’t doing much creatively at all. When we first met. I was a full time High School music teacher. I was creative in the classroom.

Beck- I think if I remember when we first met. You, actually, were really proud of the fact that you’d studied teaching. This was your second degree. So you did music is your first degree and then your second degree was Teaching and you were proud of the fact that you had a consistent income like many other museums you knew didn’t have.

Nyssa – Yeah.

Beck- And you’d you’ve gotten a job for yourself that was really safe.

Nyssa – Hey, yeah, I love that you can remind me. It’s because sometimes I forget, goes in the face of my mind.

Beck- Yeah. But also, I don’t want you to denigrate the fact that you’ve put in all that effort to get to that point. So, and you’re an amazing teacher for your students. I mean, you’ve still got students that contact you now about the impact that you made on their lives.

Nyssa – Yeah, that part is very, very cool.

Beck- But you weren’t where you wanted to be.

Nyssa – No, no, it wasn’t where I thought my life when I was five, I had this dream and I wasn’t doing my dream.

Beck- And what was the dream?

Nyssa – My dream was to be a singer to be on stage tour. That was the dream.

Beck- And when we first met, how did you feel about that dream? What was your relationship like with that dream?

Nyssa – I think I was definitely in a relationship with the dream. Okay, like it was. Maybe coming in the next year, maybe coming in the next two years, but that wasn’t gonna happen if I was a teacher.

Beck- Yes. So it’s funny how we can still hold on to dreams, even though we’re actively not pursuing them all the time, but we’re actively doing something completely different to that. Because when way, I was a clinical psychologist in private practice. Very, very busy working a lot as you were, And one of the things that attracted me to you most besides the fact that you’re an amazing singer, and you’re hot as well was your creativity and your capacity to be able to just sit down at a piano you know, and just play something off the top of your head. 

I’ve never met anyone with those skills before and I thought that your ability to be able to create was so inspiring and Because I was in private practice at the time, one of the things that I, I guess that you woke up in me was my desire to write my desire to create. 

Nyssa –  Was that your five year old dream?

Beck- Yeah, yeah. Maybe not five. I think I wanted to be a vet when I was five. Just like I probably want it to be Superman. Yeah, maybe, or something. Yeah. I think I want this to be a vet but as certainly as I grow up, certainly, maybe from about 10. I had this idea of being a writer, but it wasn’t a real job.

You woke up in me, this desire to create.

Beck-  maybe our first couple of years of being together? I think that’s what we started to do, wasn’t it? So we fell in love. We started a relationship, and we continued working our jobs for a time. Yeah. And we started creating together I started studying song writing We started writing music together. We had an idea in the back of our heads that perhaps we could move to Nashville and become professional songwriters.

Nyssa – We actually went to Nashville. We didn’t move there. But we went to Nashville. We had a, we had a, almost like a very small catalogue of songs. Beck had written the lyrics, and I had written the music. And that was beck when I had no idea on how to record. But I did anyway. And we went over to Nashville and had a meeting with the NSAI., they called Nashville Songwriters Association. Yep. And this gentleman, evaluated our music. We played it for him. And basically, we were there to ask the question, could we make it? Yes, that would right. Make it in, in this industry, with what we’ve currently produced. That’s right.

Beck- That was the question we were asking. We were seeking validation and we got it. So we actually received a lot of encouragement from this gentleman. Who evaluated our music and said, basically keep going. It’s a matter of just producing enough music that someone eventually picks it up. And then perhaps you can get a song rock, Indian, because I can’t remember what it’s called a publishing deal with some kind of publishing house. So we came back from Nashville, and we’re very excited about Music being our, sense of direction, I guess. And then what happened?

Nyssa- Do you remember, you’ve got way better memory than me?

Beck- You auditioned for the voice?

Nyssa- yeah. You can probably understand why that went out of my memory.

Beck- I can understand that. But our listeners won’t. Unless, you explain it.

Nyssa- hey, so yeah, I went in pursuit of my five year old dream on the voice. Beck was really encouraging me to do more of my creative endeavours.

Beck- Yeah. So where I was coming from was the key before you told me that you’d sent in your audition tape because I was essentially Going why in the hell Haven’t you been on the voice yet? Like, why haven’t I seen you on TV or something? Because your voice is so good. It’s even better now listeners, can I just do a quick shout out and say,

Beck- Look up @nyssaray on Spotify. She may be my wife, but I am still completely blown away by her voice. So get into it available on Spotify and all your streaming services. But prior to that, Nyssa said that because she’d been rejected from the voice, that you didn’t want to put yourself through that again, and we had a conversation around brave living, didn’t we? Yeah. And about the fact that

Beck- there is risk involved. There is risk involved in putting your hand on the line for a dream that you’ve had since you’ve been five. But what’s the other alternative? Yeah, let’s say a teacher or you at least give it a shot. And yeah, that’s when you gave it a shot, right? Yeah. What happened?

Nyssa- Oh, well, I was rejected, but I got further than I did before. That gave me,

Beck- how far?

Nyssa-  I got to the Blind Audition. So I was able to sing on national TV. And I was very, very lucky. I think that they decided to air that performance. They didn’t have to, they didn’t have to, because nobody turned around.

Beck- That’s right. Nobody turned around.

Beck- So for a singer with a dream, from the time that she’s been five years old, to stand up on national television, and have no one turn around on a TV show, at the time, that was very popular. The voice isn’t as popular now here in Australia, but it was at the time. And so there was a huge sense of a knife being driven through your heart at that point wasn’t there,

Nyssa- this would probably be the fifth, sixth seventh time that I’d put myself out there on a larger scale. And no one turned or was rejected in some way, shape or form.

Beck- And what happened that night.

Nyssa- I just cried in your arms in in the hotel room,

Beck- but why did you cry? If you could explain why those tears were there.

Beck- What were you experiencing?

Nyssa- that I wasn’t good enough. Right? I did my best. And it wasn’t good enough.

Beck- So what was your relationship with the dream at that point?

Nyssa-We had broken up.

Beck- So you will kind of watching your dream slip through your fingers. Yeah. And then we experienced a couple of months where you were really quite down when you there’s the grieving process was very strong. And complex and deep. Yeah. And you went through a period where you’re almost ready to throw music in all together.

Nyssa- Yeah, yeah, because  it just hurt me.

Beck-  But then one night, I don’t know whether you remember this, but it was summer. So we were living in a house that had an outdoor eating area, and we were sitting outside and then some Causes were kind of chirping. And it was like really quiet and the temperature was really balmy, and we started talking about death

Nyssa- as you do when you’re married to a psychologist.

Beck- listeners that this is how we roll. And so we started having a conversation about what we wanted to say about our lives. If we had the chance to be sitting on our deathbed, when we were like eight years old, what did we want to say we did with our lives? What did we want to say we stood for? And that was the turning point for you wasn’t it with making a huge decision? What happened after that point?

Nyssa- Well, in that, you know, talking to my 80 year old self and really feeling what I would feel if I were at, and looking back on my life, my 80 year old self would be really, really regretting stopping altogether. So I just had to make that decision to just keep playing the music keep doing what made me happy and that was playing The music.

Beck- But then because I don’t like to leave anything unexplored. We had a discussion further about what that would look like in your daily life. If you were to continue as a high school teacher, and then just be gigging on the weekends and have no time to create new music of your own. You know how we talked about what would that look like? What would that be like? Where actually you were living the nine to five life and you were incredibly tired. From all the resources that teaching demanded of you and you had not much leftover from music?

Nyssa- Well, I it would be just that I’d be just absolutely tired and I wouldn’t be able to do either. Well, so what did you decide? So I decided to stop teaching and pursue music full time.

Beck- So you essentially decided that you wouldn’t be happy unless you could say that you had given music, everything you had to give it and What I loved about that point in time was you were so incredibly courageous, you were able to say, you know what I’m going to give up teaching, which was this secure nine to five, job nine to three, but still, you know, nine to five.

Beck- By the time you do your marketing, it’s kind of weekends as well, yeah, um, in order to be able to take music and make music in the way that you knew you could, if only you had the time to do it. And so for us as a couple what happened at that point was, we took a step forward with the full understanding that may in private practice, as a psychologist would be supporting Nyssa streams at that point financially. That doesn’t mean that I was buying her a studio full of equipment.

Beck- I do have a habit of buying her musical instruments and other things that I randomly do research on presence.

Nyssa- She’s really good at this.

Beck- Um, but At this point away made a decision that part of our shared dream was to live a life where we contributed to the world through our creativity. And because we shared that dream so much. This is, I guess, fully diving into her music was, may as well have been me fully diving into her music as well.

Beck- And so we agreed that I would support her financially while she established herself as a full time musician. She did that because you’re just really good at doing things like that. Once you put your mind to something, you’re able to make it happen. Yeah. But while that was happening, what I experienced was getting ever closer to burnout in my clinical world, my clinical life, and I found that my spirit was fading very quickly.

Nyssa- Yeah, and it was.

Beck- I didn’t know how much longer I could do clinical practice. For and I guess one of the things that happened for me with my dream of writing is it was never as close to me as your dream of music. So I didn’t really know whether I could write. I mean, I’ve had some good feedback from English teachers at school, but nothing beyond that.

Beck- And I didn’t even know what I wanted to do as a writer. It’s not like I sat there and went, I want to, I want to be an author, you know, like, I want to go and write fiction books. But what happened was, I got to the point where I didn’t have a choice but to think about doing something else with my life because you know, how burnt out I got.

Nyssa- Yes, so burnt out .

Beck- and when I got to that point of burnout, it affected our relationship. Yes. You felt like you were losing the real male or the the best version of me because I really wasn’t the fullest holistic version of myself. What happened then in our relationship was you had established yourself as a musician and so we just It’s take the brave road again. Didn’t we? Like Yeah, we did.

Nyssa- And what did I say to you?

Beck- You turned around and I, I still am stunned at this. And as I remember, you’re exactly what exact words but you basically said to me, I’ve got you, you know, I, you can stop, it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to walk away from the business, because I’m here and I’ll support us and I’ll do whatever is necessary to be able to give you a break. Yeah. And no one had ever done that. Anything like that for me before, I don’t know whether that’s because I’d never let anyone support me before I think that would be part of possibly I’m very independent.

Nyssa- But maybe maybe also to you knew that you did that for me. And you saw how, how it really, really helped me get back to the best version of me. So maybe that helped you make the decision to take a break,

Beck- possibly, although I don’t remember it being about that. If anything I felt the same sense. Have guilt that you did not wasn’t guilt in terms of pursuing. You know something else that might be more spirit feeding? Yes for me. It was guilt for abandoning my clients. It was guilt for not being the main breadwinner.

Beck- So, I I really like being the main breadwinner because it gives me a sense of control. And we both know I’m a control freak. We do, do love, not control over you. But it gives me a sense of control over our dreams. I love to know that we’re moving towards our dreams financially.

Beck- And for me to back off and go, I’m walking away from a six figure income in order to do I don’t know what So at this point, we actually had no idea where our lives were heading in terms of what I would do. I thought I would take a break from psychology, but I actually didn’t know whether I could ever go back to it. And so I did take a break and I was went into a foray of putting my work out into the world online, which was, again, another brave step and something I didn’t ever think I would do. But as a result of that,

I made many many many mistakes.

Nyssa-  We can laugh about it.

Beck- Yeah, I know we are now but I spent way too much money of ours on shit that just didn’t work on failing so many times. Yeah, but

Nyssa-  it wasn’t a guitar you never played No,

Beck- it wasn’t. It wasn’t a random instrument. But it was, you know, so many pieces of software that I thought I needed for my online presence and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, in trying to do all the things in a brand new business and that only gets you more burnout. But in the process, I learned how to grow an Instagram page and I ended up getting a book deal.

Nyssa- Mm hmm.

Beck- And that was the next juncture in our growth is a creative couple. Yeah, was that we do Remember that day like I came to you and said, Oh my goodness, a publisher has approached me and says, I want to write a book. I remember you like this is fake.

Nyssa- I do. Because it was on Instagram.

Beck- She DM me on Instagram, and I thought it was spam.

Nyssa- Yeah, you did. Yeah. I was like, maybe you should just read it again. And do you recon? And you did. And you’re like, Oh, my goodness. They’re real.

Beck – And I real I was I was like this, this woman is real. Her LinkedIn profiles. looks legit. At the end of that story is I got my first book deal. And we then were experiencing me living into one of my dreams that I actually never thought it would come true. Or at least I had no plan for how it would come true. I had been we’ve been having conversations just the before and I was literally saying to you, how do people get published was like, not that you have the answer, but just rhetorical questions around. I have no idea how to do this.

Beck- That’s probably never going to happen for me. And it did. So then we’re in a position of one of our dreams coming true. But that doesn’t necessarily pay the bills. And this is a really important thing to talk about is that sometimes when you’re out there trying to create a life for yourself, that is not the norm, you know, it’s not nine to five, and it’s based on something that’s relatively unstable, like your creative output, that finding a way to make that pay the bills can be a really hard thing to do.

Nyssa- Absolutely. And it makes you makes you always revaluate. Should we keep going, maybe I should do something else on the side. And then we would always talk about this, because we knew the answer. Yeah, is to always keep going. Because if this is the dream, then it will one day if we are persistent, and we have each other’s back, because as a couple, it will work out.

Beck- Now Nyssa says this as the more optimistic of the two of us. Oh, yeah. Let’s not beat around the bush in a second. Sometimes live in the clouds a little bit. And I do love that about you because I can sometimes live smack bang on the ground, sometimes six feet, yes, six feet under in terms of my pessimistic attitudes.

Beck- I like to call them realism. But I’m definitely the one that wants some kind of practical understanding of exactly how these dreams are going to happen. I don’t just sit there and trust. Or at least I didn’t. And during that time, when you said was supporting me and I got a book deal, and it was all exciting, but not paying the bills. We still spent a lot of time with me saying, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to support us as a family because I can’t go back to clinical practice.

Beck- And so one of the things I really want to bring up in this discussion is how we’ve both been through these wobbly periods where we’ve been a little bit disconnected from what our future is going to look like. And then that’s made us feel a bit lost as people and what we’re going to talk about part two of this episode is how we hold each other during those times.

Beck- Because that’s what you do when you’re when you have a shared dream and you’re very clear on what that life that you’re creating for yourself and your family looks like. What we also wanted to do around this time of my first book deal is have a baby. And that’s an expensive pursuit when you have two moms, and, in my case, a very physically demanding procedure.

Beck- And so we were navigating that in our lives as well as Nyssa supporting our family full time as a gigging musician. Now, if any of you out there are musicians or no gigging musicians, you know that it’s a bit of a hard slog to go and sit yourself in a pub in a dingy corner with drunks kind of knocking over your microphone, every second song and not really listening to what you have to play and It’s not the best paid job in the world.

Beck- And yet, at least it was Nyssa to doing music. So we navigated this kind of weird period in our lives where one of my dreams was coming true. Nyssa was working as a full time musician. So on the surface, we kind of looked like we had it sorted out. Yeah. And yet we actually had a whole heap of financial stress in our lives. And we weren’t sure how we were really going to do this.

Nyssa-  And it’s not like I could just get more gigs during the week, not every venue, you know, are open on the weekdays. And so, it there was a cap,

Beck- there’s definitely a ceiling when you’re selling your time per hour, and you’re doing something that is also physically exhausting, like playing guitar for four hours at a time. If you look at any kind of famous musicians, they do one and a half or two hour concert every now and again. Perhaps if they’re on tour for a year or so and then they have a massive break gigging musicians, do four hour gigs, multiple nights a week.

Beck- Week after week after week. And so, in terms of our relationship, what we shared was this space of understanding what it looked like to live a creative life, but also feeling quite stuck in how we relieve the pressure on ourselves. And we kind of got to a point where I got another couple of book deals. And I decided to get even braver in my own business and start putting my workout online in terms of online courses, and ways that I could take my knowledge and skills as a psychologist, and just as a human and package it up in a way that couldn’t make the maximum amount of difference in somebody’s life if they wanted to get out of their own way or if they wanted to be brave and do their big brave thing in the world.

Beck- And as I did that, finally we started to see the table Turning. Yep. And that happened to be around the same time that you hit a wall with burnout. So by this stage we had a little boy life is very different when you’re trying to live as to creatives. And you have a little boy who’s very active in the world, and I could see that your resources were really being sapped not necessarily because of Bennett.

Nyssa- It was a compound effect. It really was. It wasn’t just the music. It wasn’t just, you know, the long drives to the gigs. It wasn’t the heavy lifting. It wasn’t the playing for four hours. It wasn’t you wasn’t Ben, it wasn’t any, anything specific. It was just that doing all of that in the way that I was doing it, and not giving myself downtime and not recognising that I was kind of hitting a wall.

Beck- Can I just say, though, that that lack of recognition is also you always wanting to be the best partner that you can be? You need to understand who I’m interviewing right now. This is one of the most remarkable people on the face of the planet. This puts Everyone first who she loves.

Beck- So that’s been an I come first in her world. Absolutely. But that also means that one of the things that we’ve worked on is you being able to identify what your needs are, and being able to speak up for what those needs are in our relationship without feeling guilty or without feeling selfish, which is kind of your modus operandi from long ago where you have put yourself last. But as you were approaching burnout, it just happened to be that the steps that we’ve been putting into place in my business finally started to pay off. And that meant that

Nyssa- I could say, Stop. Yeah, got you.

Beck- Yeah, I’ve got you. Yeah. And it’s my turn to support you now. And you had already started building your business in the music studio where you do things like this, like record costs, and record other people’s music, but you were able to walk away from gigging because all the work that we had put into collectively as a partnership started to pay off in my business, so that you could then pursue a different avenue. And I think that’s the one thing that I really want to share. If you walk away with anything from this episode, listeners, I want you to understand that, you know, people might look like they’ve had overnight success, but usually what’s behind that easy years of evolution change, testing out different directions failing over and over again. In our case, it’s been failing bravely.

Beck- So we’ve always been able to come back from a failure and grieve and then choose the brave path forward because we’ve got each other

Nyssa-  That’s right. I think I think without you I would almost 100% think that I wouldn’t be this brave and without you

Beck- I would never have taken the steps that I’ve taken either because finding someone that has your back and understands the creative process allows you so much more spaciousness to be able to just be a creative with all the difficulties that that entails. So, here we are 2020 things are very different in our lives from when they were when we met in 2012. And Nyssa is not a teacher anymore. I don’t work in clinical practice anymore. raschig is now pretty much my full time job as well as managing my amazing community. And Nyssa works out of a studio in our backyard, creating all sorts of music for other people that want to do what she does.

Nyssa- Yeah, more creatively,

Beck- and absolutely, yeah, you’re doing even more, but we have failed our way here. Absolutely. And what I want to talk about in part B of this episode is exactly the strategies that we’ve used to hold space for each other during That time, the practical things that we’ve done that have got us to where we are because there have been times when it’s actually been really hard. And despite the fact that we can have this conversation today, and we can laugh about some of those failures, that doesn’t discount the importance of us going down that path in the first place.

Beck- So lovely one’s, what I’m essentially speaking to at this point is how we were both able to get out of our own way to do the things that we desperately want us to do to be our creative souls in the world that we are. And that means overcoming self sabotage. And if you’re listening to this going, I wish I have, I wish I had the metal to be able to do those things for myself to take a different path to be able to start a new business on the side to be able to explore my creativity more, but you keep tripping yourself up.

Beck- Then please jump into the show notes for this episode. You can go to rebeccaray.com.au/free Click on the free masterclass that I have stop self sabotage and start living your bravest life. I’m going to explain to you in that free training exactly how I’ve done it. How we’ve gotten to here but especially how I’ve gotten to here because I delve into a lot of my emotional experience during that time the training is free

Beck- . You can jump on it Rebecca Ray com.au/ free and I really want to see you start living your bravest life so that’s where the start if you find you’re tripping yourself up, I’ll see you in our next episode for pop babe this amazing conversation. Lovely ones. Thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you’ve got something meaningful for this episode, the most meaningful thing you can do is to leave a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Because it’s these reviews that help this podcast. Make sure to subscribe and share this episode. I’d love to see your shares Be sure to tag Hello Rebecca Ray. I’ll catch you next time.

**This transcript is taken from our software and sometimes it’s not perfect, thank you for understanding.