Show Notes

Rebecca: Hi, lovely ones. Welcome to Episode 17 of the vodcast It is so great to have you back here with me. Today, I want to share with you a conversation that I had with Rachel Gadiel.

Rebecca: Rachel is an empowerment coach who guides women to realign with their authentic selves while cultivating inner confidence and self belief so that they can live their true purpose with joy ease And flow.

Rebecca: Through her weekly newsletter, blog and online courses. She encourages women to transform their relationship with themselves, ignite their personal power and redefine their life story into one they love.

Rebecca: In this episode, Rachel and I had a great conversation about what it means to dive into the true measures of happiness and the key areas that we need to focus on to create a life of fulfilment and purpose. This conversation happened back when I was sharing my first course called Happy habits.

Rebecca: So you’ll hear some references about happy habits. My work has evolved way beyond that first course called Happy habits. But this conversation still stands and so does the very important topic of the pursuit of happiness and how it can often trip us up.

Rebecca: And so I thought it might be a really good one to share. Typically if you find yourself in this ongoing cycle of trying To purchase love to form your way more about your journey, I hope you love what’s
happening in your hearts.

Rachel: Hi, Beck. How are you today?

Rebecca: I’m good. Thanks, Rachel

Rachel: thank you so much for being here. It’s such an honour to be chatting with you. And I’d love to kick things off if you could tell us a bit more about your journey. And what led you to the work you’re doing today?

Rebecca: It’s a bit of a long story.  I decided that I wanted to be a psychologist when I was 15 in grade 10. And I went ahead and studied and basically became a clinical psychologist and spent a whole lot of time treating people and trying to help people feel better and feel happier in their lives.

Rebecca: And it got to the point where I felt like I could only reach a certain amount of people in face to face therapy each day. So I decided to step back I guess, take a little bit of a break from clinical work and write a programme called Happy habits,

Rebecca: which is based on positive psychology techniques to get these really great techniques out to a wider audience. So that’s how I found my way onto social media and I guess how you and I found each other

Rachel: Yes.

Rebecca: And social media kind of showed me that there was this entire world out there. And not that I didn’t already know that, but I guess it, it showed me these connections with people that were very like minded and were very interested in living, an inspired expansive life.

Rebecca: And I’ve always had this secret dream of being a writer. But of course, that was for other people. It wasn’t for normal people like me, it was for people that I guess were, you know, able to go and create their art and make something of their art

Rebecca:: and I decided that perhaps i’d test my writing out and I started testing it out on Instagram and got this really beautiful response. And so, I guess happy habits was the start of my social media life and now it’s, it’s become more of my own brand, and my own original writing, and here we are,

Rachel: yes, what your happy habits programme is incredible. And that’s how I originally Found you through your happy habits account. But now you also have your own Instagram as well.

Rachel: So that’s really awesome to see how it’s all evolved.

Rebecca: yeah, yeah, it’s been it’s been quite a journey. And for someone that doesn’t really like social media, or didn’t like social media, I guess I’ve found a way to connect, you know, authentic real way, which means that I really enjoy it.

Rebecca: So I use it in a way that I get just as much out of it as like what I hope followers get out of it from the other end.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sure they do. They definitely do. Given the amount of engagement you have on your account. That’s definitely definitely well

Rebecca:: with nicer people. Like, I just didn’t expect people to respond. And they do. And they write these most beautiful comments, and we have these great conversations. And I’m so grateful for that because otherwise social media can feel like a real wasteland, but I never take that for granted.

Rebecca: I always sit down and think wow, someone has taken the time to write me these comments. Well, they’ve sent me this message and I get the most beautiful messages of people on their own journeys, and it makes me feel less alone.

Rebecca: But it also makes me feel seen and heard. And I think that’s such a powerful thing you know that you can put something out into the world and someone else on it, sitting on the shore of another ocean connects with them.

Rebecca: It’s amazing.

Rachel: I know. It’s incredible the power of social media and I think as much as we have a love hate relationship with it, it’s it really is so powerful. And that ability to connect with others on these issues that are so common amongst us as humans is quite extraordinary.

Rebecca: Yeah, absolutely. I agree.

Rachel: So Beck one is to find out you obviously, we mentioned that you create the happy habits programme, but I’m keen to find out why you think we’re so obsessed as a culture to be constantly seeking happiness?

Rebecca: I think because it feels so elusive a lot of the time so we look around as a society and society’s advertised as everybody else’s happy but we’re not and that’s often how it feels.

Rebecca: I think for people they look around They assume that others are feeling happier than they are. So it feels like something like a secret that everybody else knows the answer to. And perhaps we don’t, on an individual level.

Rebecca: And so I think we become obsessed with what we can’t have. And we assume then that the messages that were were fed from children, which is if you get more stuff, then you’ll be happier that that’s the path that we should take.

Rebecca: So we walk that path and we try to get more stuff and assume that you know, when we get the next pay rise, or when we get the next house, so we get when we finally get a car or when we get our dream job, then we’ll be happy and it’s just not like that.

Rachel: So what do you think the true measures of happiness are?

Rebecca: I agree with Seligman. Martin Seligman is the father of positive psychology. And when I say I agree with him, I’ve read his research.

Rebecca: And in my clinical experience and personal experience, it really resonates with me and he says that there’s a combination of factors that contribute to our happiness.

Rebecca: One of them is positive feelings, which is Actually the feelings of happiness, which most people assume is the be all and end all but they’re actually not a sense of engagement, which is doing activities that give us that sense of flow.

Rebecca: So those activities that we might lose time in so perhaps, you know, somebody might love sewing and they might sit down to sew, and all of a sudden an hours gone past and they don’t really realise that time,
healthy relationships, which is fairly obvious.

Rebecca: How many of you love is a pretty powerful thing. But when we have people to care for and people to care for us, that really adds a huge factor to the to our sense of well being a sense of meaning, which is being able to answer the question what makes your life worthwhile, what gets you out of bed in the morning, who makes a difference to your experience to the world?

Rebecca: And then finally, a sense of accomplishment and this I guess, this is the other thing that people assume will bring them happiness which is about in a singular way, which is that sense of success or climbing some kind Goal based ladder. But it’s not just goals even though goals are important, and Seligman includes them as part of happiness.

Rachel: So it’s really clear than that, that we don’t get happiness from one specific thing. It’s actually a whole range of different things.

Rebecca: That’s right.

Rachel: So what do you think then are the key areas if we need to focus on being happy, the key aspects of our life that really contribute to those happiness?

Rebecca: Well, I basically those five areas, but for me, I would say that you really can’t you have a lot of difficulty being happy if you don’t have healthy relationships, and if you don’t have a sense of meaning,

Rebecca: so they would be the two things that I would pull out to go you know, all we really need these things. You can have all the other things but if you don’t have at least one person that you feel seen by in the world that bears witness to your life in some way, and it’s very difficult to feel happy. I guess unless you’re a Buddhist monk, and you’re in a cave meditating for three years, but that has a purpose entirely.

Rebecca: And then to find this sense of meaning is one of the most powerful things that we can do. Because having a sense of meaning gets us through the tough times. And as much as we can talk about happiness and throw this word around, like it’s the bail and endl. Actually, from my point of view, happiness is about how we get through the struggles. It’s about how we find resilience.

So resilience is probably a better word. But resilience gives us a sense of meaning, meaning gives us a sense of resilience.

Rachel: And so how would How do you think that we need to find that sense of meaning and sense of purpose in our life?

Rachel: Because I mean, for me, I guess for the first sort of 20, almost 30 years of my life I walked around with no real sense of purpose or sense of meaning in my life and I was literally doing all the things that we are, you know, originally spoke about was like looking for success in or happiness in, you know,

Rachel: Getting the next promotion or you know, the next car that you buy or the next handbag or whatever it is all external, meaning, you know, sort of points on the rung of success. But it wasn’t until I was around 30 that I worked out actually, I really am craving this deeper sense of fulfilment in my life. And how do you think people ought to go about finding that deep sense of purpose and meaning within their own life?

Rebecca: Well, I think often there’s a trigger, Rachel, and it can be that it’s an age based trigger.

Rebecca: So you might hit one of those milestone ages like 30 and go where’s my life headed? What’s actually what is all this about? Because what I thought it was about doesn’t feel rash anymore.

Rebecca: And your experiences entirely common. In fact, I would say it’s the most common experience that people follow that external base path because that’s what we’re told.

Rebecca:You know, that’s what the media tells us. So you just did what you were told the messages that you’d unconsciously absorbed until we

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We reach some kind of point. Now that point can be, like I said, an age based milestone where you start to reflect on life and whether or not there’s something more and what’s the point to it all, or it can be a trigger in terms of an event. So sometimes people have some kind of negative event, usually that occurs in life. And that makes them rethink everything, assess their own mortality, and consider, where’s my life really headed? And what’s this all about?

Rebecca: Now, in terms of where we get meaning from, that’s such an individual question. And if I had the answers to that, then, you know, probably been talking to Oprah right now.

Rebecca: But I don’t. And I think it’s one of those things where it’s like, it’s like someone coming to me and saying, Can you please tell me what’s the purpose in life or what’s my purpose in life? I can’t tell you that you have to figure that out. But the thing is that it’s the journey. on figuring that out, but often gives us the purpose.

Rebecca: So it’s the mistakes along the way. And it’s those feelings of Who am I, that when you put them all together lead us to a particular path to discover that.

Rebecca: And also, I think that I’ll just add that I think it’s overrated, that we have one purpose, this idea that, you know, there’s this undiscovered secret meaning that we all have and some people have found and other people haven’t. I just don’t buy into that. I think there’s lots of reasons that make life meaningful.

Rebecca: It’s just about being open and aware to those things that make us feel like life is meaningful.

Rachel: Yeah, I think that’s something I’ve heard a lot of people talk about really struggling is, what is my purpose? What am I here to do and then getting so frustrated by that entire process? That they just think there’s an they end up thinking there’s something wrong with them when there’s actually not?

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Rachel: And so Beck, what do you think creates the biggest barrier to people who Want to leave in this alignment with their highest purpose?

Rebecca: I was just immediately going to say I think the media but it’s the media with a whole series of things, the messages, I should clarify, I’m talking about Western society here.

Rebecca: Beside this society you and I have grown up in Not, not Eastern by societies that have, you know, different approaches to the collective. And societies functions a little differently, but we grow up with messages about external based happiness.

Rebecca: And that in and of itself, unless you’re taught otherwise by your parents, is already a barrier because it’s setting you up to find happiness or well being outside of yourself, rather than looking inside first.

Rachel: And so how can people stop doubting themselves because to be honest, in my own experience, I feel as if we already know that innate truth within ourselves, but then we we often So I find ourselves shutting that down and just sort of, you know, not ignoring it almost like that gut feeling that we have we just doubt ourselves.

Rachel: how Can we build that in a trust and resilience within ourselves to trust the path that we’re on and move forward with those sometimes, you know, often scary decisions that will lead us to that greater alignment.

Rebecca:  Yeah, sure. The first thing I want to say too, that Rachel, it’s a very important thing is that

In developing trust in yourself and being able to listen to your own intuition, it’s a practice not a destination.

Rebecca:  So you don’t just do it once and then expect that you’ve got this self belief thing down, Pat. That’s not how it works. When you’re building trusting yourself. It’s a series of practices of giving yourself the benefit of the doubt of going out and doing it anyway, despite the fear that helps to build trust

Rebecca:. It’s answering the call of your intuition. And over and over again, that helps to build your faith in that voice in that inner voice. It’s not just doing it once and thinking that you won’t feel fearful again, and you’ll be sure if you’re pushing on your path forevermore.

Rebecca:  I’ve never seen anyone experienced that. And I certainly don’t. Instead, when you’re listening to your intuition, and when you’re getting to that point, that place where you’re starting to hear that voice and wondering whether or not you should, it’s a practice of doing just that, and taking the fear with you.

Rebecca: So one of the things that I think people get confused about this, they think they shouldn’t be scared. But if you’re doing something that’s even slightly outside of your comfort zone, then the nature of that is, the thing that we need to learn to do is to have discomfort and to take us with it.

Rebecca: Take it with us in order to do the important things in life to do what matters. And when you take fear with you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have faith in your intuition or in your path. It just means that to do sort of requires a little bit of ifish and the more you practice doing that, and getting outside your comfort zone to do big brave things, the easier it becomes.

Rebecca: Although, I would say that never becomes perfectly easy. Yes, I would definitely. Is it really about feeling into the fear and acting out of safe oversea? It really, isn’t it? Absolutely, absolutely understanding that the fee will be there. It’s there for a reason. It’s telling you that you’re in unfamiliar territory, you know, and once upon a time, 100,000 years ago, that was really useful because it helped us to survive.

Rebecca: And so we have the same software in our brains operates now, that tells us Oh, my goodness, we’re in unfamiliar territory and turns on our fight flight response. And if we listen to the fight or flight response when it comes to getting outside our comfort zone, we’d never do anything.

Rebecca: So it’s about taking the fear with you in order to widen your comfort zone over and over again.

Rebecca: It is a never ending journey is met yesterday.

Rebecca: Is I wish they are there, but I’ll never be there.

Rachel: Yeah, there’s always there’s always a next level, isn’t there?

Rebecca: Yes, there. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Always climbing.

Rachel: So do you have any go through tools or any recommendations on how to recommend to people on how they could actually start tuning into their intuition on a regular basis and actually pay attention to that inner voice rather than choosing to ignore it or just get greater clarity on what their intuition is trying to tell them?

Rebecca: Yeah, one of the things I’d say first of all, is to go somewhere where you’re not listening to our voices. So if you are, you know, in a relationship where your partner is not supporting you, or telling you all the problems that might go wrong with your idea, or if you’re living with other people or family members that perhaps have judgments,

Rebecca: it’s important to be able to remove yourself from those voices for Time, and I’m not talking about for months on end, I’m just talking about for half an hour, you know, you might need to just go somewhere where you can get steel and get quiet and listen to the voice inside. And some people have been so removed from that voice that they don’t know how to hear it anymore.

Rebecca: They don’t even know what they’re listening for. And I would say that the more often you create space like this, where you step away from the outer voices, and you go looking for that inner voice, eventually it will show up, but creating spaces

Rachel: The first thing I think that’s especially true in in our society today, where you know, we do have all these so many distractions with social media and, you know, television and whatever, it’s pretty much ubiquitous everywhere we go and it just becomes more challenging.

Rachel: I think as as as society gets busier to really tune into that voice. I think that’s a really good tip on creating space.

Rebecca:  It’s true, it does get more challenging and but we can also make as challenging as we want, so if you buy into those out of voices, which sometimes it’s very hard not to do, you make it harder for yourself to heal yourself. And it’s also who you choose to listen to. So I think the more practice you have at listening to yourself, and giving yourself permission to have an opinion, and to have a say, in which path you take, the easier it becomes, as well.

Rachel: I think you brought up a really good point there about giving yourself permission. Because I mean, I know I feel that sometimes I’m often looking for someone else to give me that validation or approval that I need to do, but I actually just need to give myself permission.

Rebecca: You do you do and that can feel foreign. And I think we invalidate ourselves and we invalidate the permission that can come from ourselves in favour of if getting that approval from someone else.

Rebecca:  But overall, if you you know, are looking back from your 80th birthday, if you’re lucky to live that long. It’s yours. Only your opinion about how you live your life that matters. And that’s what I always come back to, is the 80th birthday question.

Rebecca:  If I was to look back from today, sorry, from my 80th birthday to today, and evaluate how I was living and the choices that I’m about to make what I’d be happy with that really helps to ground yourself into what really matters for you.

Rachel: Hmm, that’s a really good point. And so that’s I’m keen to find out what advice would you give to someone who has just become this big inward journey to themselves?

Rachel: What would you say to them,

Rebecca:  I’d say Yay, because I love it when people are doing that. It’s my favourite thing in the world.

Rebecca: And I’d say expect it to get rough, because not many people are brave enough to go there. And when they do, I think because it usually gets harder before it gets easier. It’s very easy to run away from it and to go back to those default patterns of just living outwardly rather than inwardly.

Rebecca:  So I would say, take your courage, take your feet out in both your pockets. But keep walking forward, because the discovery that you can, discoveries that you can find by doing the work and life changing, that the work has to be done.

Rebecca:  And the work doesn’t always end, it’s just that, you know, sometimes when you first start doing this type of journey, it’s big and overwhelming and can seem like, sometimes it’s a little bit suffocating.

Rebecca:  But the more you do it, the more it becomes natural, naturally a part of your life and you start to really be in touch with your intuition and you almost start to do it naturally after a while. But in my opinion, we’re always all doing the work on some level, just some of us more consciously than others.

Rachel: I love that fact. It’s beautiful. So just a final few questions to wrap things up. That I’d love to know Do you have a morning routine hates any rituals that set you up for success each day.

Rebecca: I try to get to yoga as much as I can. But my morning routine, particularly when I’m about to start writing is just to get quiet.

Rebecca: So my heads busy, probably like yours and in most cases, and in order to access some kind of space, I need to be able to just get quiet. So I like to just sit for a couple of minutes and consider where I’m headed.

Rebecca:  But in honour, I guess that’s on a spiritual level. And on a practical level, I just brought us duelist. So I’m one of these people that really gets off on Crossing stuff off.

Rachel: I love that.

Rebecca: Yeah. So I write a to do list and try not to overwhelm myself with what’s on edge and just go ahead and cross it off and do things in chunks.

Rachel: Mm hmm. Cool. And so, I know you’re a big fan of quotes and affirmations. So I’d love to know what is your favourite quote, affirmation or mantra that you have Any that you use on a daily basis that you just really love?

Rebecca: Yeah, I don’t. I don’t I’m not a huge fan of mantras and affirmations. I don’t really believe in them. So saying things over and over again, just has never worked for me.

Rebecca: So I can’t sell it on the therapeutic level in terms of a mantra or an affirmation, but I am a fan of quotes. And it all depends on the day. I can’t even pick one. T

Rebecca: here’s a quote by Jon Kabat Zinn, though that does resonate with me when things get tough. And he says something along the lines of

We often say let it go. But more accurately, we should probably say let it be. And I think that when things get tough and we lose control, or we don’t have control over something that’s gone wrong.

Rebecca: That really works for me to just step back and go Hold on a second. Let it be let’s just let it be as it is, and move from there.

Rachel: I love that one. And so Beck  wrapping up then what is the best advice that you’ve ever been given?

Rebecca:  It was in a time when I was really, I was not in a great place. And I was questioning just before I write happy habits

Rebecca: Actually, I was questioning what to do about my direction and where I wanted to go next career wise, and that was affecting me a little bit personally, because it’s such a huge decision.

Rebecca:  And a close friend of mine said to me, sometimes you have to create an empty space before you create what will fill it.

Rebecca: And I just loved that, because it was permission to not know it was permission to move forward into the uncertainty without having some kind of fixed idea about what was going to come next, but still entertaining the possibilities of what could come next. And it really made it It changed my life.

Rachel: That’s awesome.

Rachel: And I love that you mentioned there about uncertainty because I think that’s the biggest or probably the most scary thing that we’re facing on this path because There are a lot of unknowns.

Rachel: And I think being able to feel or to be okay with that uncertainty is a really big deal. And it’s a really important part of this journey, don’t you think?

Rebecca: Yes, I do. And I think getting okay with uncertainty is a daily negotiation sometimes. Because even if we might do it on some days, we’ll other days, we won’t do it well at all depending on how big the uncertainty is.

Rebecca:So, again, I would say around that, just go gently, you know, just be mindful of the fact that some days the best we can do is acknowledge that the uncertainties there and it’s doing our heads in you know, even just to acknowledge that out loud, helps to get some distance from it and not to buy into it.

Rachel: Cool. Thank you so much Beck. It’s been such a pleasure to chat to you today.

Rebecca:  Lovely ones. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. If you want to connect with Rachel further. You can find her at RachelGadiel.com or @Rachel_Gadiel on Instagram. I’ll see you Bright and early next Tuesday morning at 6am when the next episode drops.

Rebecca:  Lovely ones. Thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you’ve got something meaningful from episodes, the most meaningful thing you can do is to leave a review wherever you listen to your podcast. Because it’s these reviews that help this podcast stay here.

Rebecca: Make sure to subscribe and share this episode. I’d love to see your shares, so be sure to tag Hello, Rebecca Ray. I’ll catch you next time.

**This transcript is taken from our software and sometimes it’s not perfect, thank you for understanding.