Beck- Hi, lovely ones. Welcome to episode number 13. Part two of our episode on how to grow as a creative couple. This is the second part of a conversation that I’ve been having with my wife Nyssa Ray, the very first conversation that I’m having on this podcast that’s not just with myself.
Beck- So it’s been pretty exciting to have someone to talk to you During this, but in our previous episode, Episode 12, we talked about how we evolved creatively over the course of our relationship, how our lives have twisted and turned, for us to get to where we are today as two wives who live and work creatively.
Beck- Now with our two year old, and how we share a dream to move forward, to be able to put our work out into the world make some kind of meaningful difference, leave a legacy on this earth, that hopefully helps other people and makes them feel good.
Beck- And how we do that as two human beings with only so many resources in a day, and so many resources internally to be able to show up. And so in this episode, Nyssa and I are going to talk about what we do practically to support each other because I think it’s really important to talk about strategies.
Beck- Because I don’t want this to be just somebody abstract thing that you listen to and then don’t know how to apply it in your day to day life, if you’re out there trying to do the same thing, whether you’re doing it with a partner who’s also creative, or whether you’re doing it on your own, but trying to find out how you get the most out of yourself, when life still happens along the way, as well. But before we do, I’d love to shout out Emshells889, who left a really lovely review after listening to the podcast. She said,
“Thank you, Rebecca. I really appreciate you sharing these insightful reminders with the world. Finding your content has been great.”
Beck- Thank you Emshells. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. So lovely ones. We are back here with my wife, my favourite person in the world besides a little boy been in this Nyssa Ray who is a musician, a vocalist, a music producer, an audio producer and audio engineer. I’m just making up words now.
Nyssa- An audio chick.
Beck- She’s an audio chick.
Nyssa- Hi everyone.
Beck- My wife, obviously and mother to our two year old. And we’re here talking about how we do what we do and survive.
Nyssa- Pretty much yeah.
Beck- Yes, but more so than survive, how we actually thrive. There have certainly been times in our relationship over the eight years that we’ve been together now, where we just have been surviving because things have gotten hard.
Beck- Perhaps we should do another episode about the things that have gotten hard, but we are in a place where I think we’re closer to thriving than ever. If, however, we define thriving, but for us, I think that means living creatively, where we can actually make our things put them out into the world to make a difference to other people’s lives.
Beck- As well as have a kind of lifestyle that allows us space to breathe space to spend with each other and space to spend with Bennett.
Beck- A good definition.
Nyssa- Yes. Perfect.
Beck- Okay. Cool. So
Beck- I want to talk to you about how we support each other.
Nyssa- How we support each other?
Nyssa- There’s so many ways we do support each other because not every day is the same. Not every feeling that pops up when things get difficult is the same.
Beck- And that’s exactly where I want to start with how we understand each other’s creative process to provide support with each other.
Beck- So one of the things that I really appreciate about having you in my life, aside from the fact that you’ve given me the most gorgeous boy in the history of the world.
Nyssa- Technically, I did not.
Beck- No I know. Well I grew him
Beck- I grew him. But you are alongside me. While, that happened.
Nyssa – Yeah, I woke up in the night too.
Beck – Yeah you. You woke up. And you’ve helped me keep him alive for the last two and a half years, so that counts.
Nyssa- I rocked the cot a couple of times.
Beck- Yes, you did. Absolutely. One of the things I really, really appreciate, about you is that as I’ve learnt my creative process, and as my creative process has evolved, you’ve learned it too. And sometimes I feel like you know more about my creative process than I do when I’m in it, because you can see it from the outside.
Nyssa- Mm hmm. Definitely.
Beck- And then you’re able to provide me with support, by reminding me that this is just part of my process, particularly if I throw a tantrum because it gets hard. Or if I’m just really struggling to come up with ideas.
Beck- One of the things I really appreciate about being alongside you as another creative is that you can remind me that creativity is not something that’s on tap. It can’t just be accessed whenever you need it.
Nyssa – Yeah
Beck- And so, in understanding my process, I feel like you’ve learned when I just need to sit in the hard bit and not write so you know how whenever I write a book, there’s a As a time when I’m not writing and I should be
Nyssa- Oh, yeah,
Beck- always. Yeah. We’re currently in that now this is the do other things. Yes. We’re in the we’re in the clean the house or make all the food or do anything other than right.
Nyssa- She’s really good at washing on mowing the lawn she uses that
Beck- I am
Nyssa– as a procrastination tool too
Beck-Yes, I’m particularly effective around the house when a book needs to be written. But you know that Yeah. And because you know that I don’t feel judged.
Beck– I don’t ever feel like, like, you know, where my deadline is. We’re not going to talk about where my deadline is listeners not talking about that today. It’s not important. Okay. It’s massively important, but I’m not talking about it. I’m not thinking about it today.
Beck- But even though you know, when my deadline is you don’t judge me for the fact that I’m recording a podcast episode right now and not sitting down writing.
Beck- And when you come into my office, and you asked me how I’m going, and I respond with a look rather than Yeah, I’m doing really well. And i’ve done that. You also don’t judge me for that either.
Beck- You might back out of the room slowly. so as to not disturb the bear.
Nyssa- Or whatever flow you have going on.
Beck- Yeah. Or lack of flow that I’m fighting with. And because of that lack of judgement, I feel like, I don’t start any internal war on myself. Because you’re not coming down on me either.
Beck- So you’re giving me the space to be able to just run my creative process, the way it runs, without the judgement or without any kind of snide remarks about the fact that there is a deadline hanging over my head, and therefore that doesn’t add to anything that I’ve been put on myself.
Beck- Does that make sense?
Nyssa- It makes sense. Yeah.
Beck- Do I do the same for you?
Nyssa- Yeah, I think you do. I think for me I need a little bit more guiding than you need. If you see my energy going somewhere where is literally a waste of time.
Nyssa- I don’t need to tell you, you don’t need to mow the lawn right now, that’s not going to help you. I’m the one who needs to be told, I tend to really, really benefit from being told, I don’t think that’s where your energy is to go.
Beck- Even though you don’t always like it when I tell it.
Nyssa- I hate it
Nyssa- But I do know you’re right. So after I get over the grumpiness of you telling me what to do, she’s right. And I end up you know, diverting my attention to where it needs to go to get the thing I need to record or whatever I was doing at the time that really, really needs to focus on back being focused after I’m grumpy at you for telling me that that’s where it is.
Beck- But I love that this kind of segues into how we support each other with making time for our creativity because listen is a Nyssa and I are actually quite different in some significant ways I’m a very organised person, I set boundaries quite easily, I have no problem in saying no.
Beck- And I’m very protective of my time because I’m the type of person that just doesn’t have that much energy mentally or emotionally to go around. So I have to be incredibly protective of who gets that energy so that there’s enough left for me to be able to do what I want to do in a day in a meaningful way. Nyssa on the other hand.
Nyssa- Opposite, just whatever you heard. Opposite.
Beck- she’s. I wouldn’t say you’re entirely disorganised. I would just say that organisation doesn’t necessarily come naturally to you. Yeah,
Nyssa- yeah. It’s taken eight years of being married to come half naturally to me.
Beck- And that’s mainly because you just do things so I don’t get annoyed that we’re disorganised in that area.
Nyssa- Yeah. But again, you’re right. And it works and I needed to be told and shown because I actually learned from you I’m sitting in on the sidelines of You and doing your creative stuff and I’m like, I’m thinking to myself, that’s a really good idea I’m gonna go do that in my business.
Beck- So we also do share business strategies but the way that Nyssa is different to me is that she’s able to sit down and be be very present moment focused. So thanks to my organisational abilities.
Beck- My mind goes 100 miles an hour and I have to fight to get it to focus on the one task because I’m also thinking about the other million things on my to do list and things that need to be done during the day.
Beck- If Nyssa sits down to create you can just sit there and create Can’t you? you go into this like creative vortex where you forget what time it is, you forget that you need to eat. You forget that you might have an appointment with a client you forget that
Nyssa- I try my best not to forget those things.
Beck- forget that the child needs to be picked up from daycare.
Nyssa- No, I just pretend that it’s like another hour later till he needs to be picked up.
Beck- So What that means, though, is I know that if Nyssa’s gone in to create something, it’s very likely that she’ll get it done. But I then need to support her by showing up in other areas of our life that need organisation.
Beck- Because that’s what I do naturally. So if you working on a composition for a movie, like recently, you’ve been doing some composing for a film. And while you’re in that space, I just know that I’ll get lunch ready, because I know what time it is.
Beck- And I’ll remind you that you need to eat yet and then I’ll make sure that the washing is down and things like that, because they’re the things that require organising. What happens in our other areas of differences is that I’m also quite time focused in you’re not.
Beck- And so what that’s meant is that your experience of running a creative business has sometimes meant you’re a little taken advantage of Hey?
Beck- And you’re sometimes a little too nice.
Beck- I mean, you are very like. Nyssa is the kindest person I’ve ever met in my life. But because she’s kind and that kindness comes naturally to her, sometimes I feel like you might give too much of yourself, your time, your energy, sometimes away for free sometimes to people who aren’t appreciating it.
Beck- And sometimes you just go above and beyond and do whatever is going to make life easier for the other person just so that there’s no conflict yeah.
Nyssa- Yeah, or whatever project we’re working on. Or I’ll put the project first even though my time has already been spent. Like really, I’m digging into
Nyssa- And time that I don’t have if I said that I’m going to be done at 12 she knows that it’ll be probably one.
Beck- Yeah, I work on Nyssa time. Nyssa time means at least an hour after she said it would happen probably too.
Nyssa- But I am getting better.
Beck- You are You are
Nyssa- and I’m getting better at that.
Beck- But what that Means is because I know that I can support you by working on Nyssa time and not working on Beck time.
Nyssa- Yeah. And you also are able to communicate that with with me without making me feel down on that fact that that is something that doesn’t come naturally to me.
Nyssa- You understand that it doesn’t you don’t judge me for it, you just nudge me in very, very gentle ways, most of the time that maybe you should try this way. Maybe, maybe you should try looking at your clock or setting a reminder.
Nyssa- Maybe your phone needs to buzzing.
Beck- But there for the things that we actually have to remember, like, we have a dog Bella, who needs a tablet every single day. And Nyssa used to rely on herself to on her own memory to just remember things like that.
Nyssa- Yeah, never should do that ever
Beck- really frustrated that other things would crop up and she just wouldn’t remember. So we’ve worked on reminders and stuff like that to manage time more effectively.
Beck- And we’ve also worked on the fact that we just operate differently as people around time to be able to give each other the time to be able to create.
Beck- So the other thing I really appreciate about how you show up for me in our creative process together is or just being creatives that live together is that you don’t ever question the time it takes me to do something.
Beck- So for any of our listeners who are creatives, you probably know that you can sit down at your desk or stand at your easel or pick up your instrument or whatever it is, whatever it is that you’re creating. And some days you’ve got it. Some days you don’t.
Nyssa- And your partner or whoever you’re living with at the time or a friend or someone might ask you that question. What did you do today? And you’ve literally got nothing to show for it. It’s all in your head or it’s kind of bits and pieces somewhere or
Beck- or is a shitty first darft.
Beck- And you wouldn’t show it to anyone. And I think what that allows me to do especially is to just allow that to be part of the process and to take the time that it takes and to then.
Beck- well, certainly, this is what’s happened for me over the past five years since my first book deal was understanding that it will get done. It absolutely will get done at some point. But it won’t always be on the timeframe that I want it to be.
Beck- Because we’ve put structure into our life as a couple by having Bennett go to daycare on certain days, he thrives going to daycare, it means that he gets social interaction that he otherwise doesn’t get if he’s home with us.
Beck- And it means that we’ve also got kid free time to be able to get shit done. And we both love being productive and get very motivated by that fact. But you also don’t judge if we’ve had a daycare day and I’ve gotten to the The end of it and my to do list hasn’t been done.
Beck- Yeah, not that. Not that you ever come to me and go Have you done it but you know we we often share notes at the end of the day but as to what we got done and we like to, you know, at least verbally celebrate that we both feel like something productive has happened in the day.
Nyssa- Yeah, for sure. We live and breathe air creativity. So if we come to the dinner table and we don’t talk about that feels like we’re not talking about our life in general.
Beck- Yeah, we do talk about our work a lot, actually. Yeah. But what we’ve also done in terms of time and supporting each other is that we’ve set boundaries or at least I’ve set boundaries and strongly encourage you to come along for the ride around time boundaries around when we don’t work. Hey?
Nyssa- yeah, yeah, I’ve it’s been hard for me only because I’ve had five plus years of gigging weekends. Yeah. And now my weekends, other than a wedding or the odd thing that comes up Now my weekends, aremy family.
Beck- That’s a whole new world for us. So this is only just happened this year for us that Nyssa has not been gigging.
Nyssa- since this COVID pandemic.
Beck- Yeah, our entire life before that together had been Nyssa gigging on the weekend. So we never really had a clear weekend or we didn’t really even have clear days off.
Beck- But now we that’s what we do. We try to make weekends for family time. And we can certainly talk about work during that time because that’s our favourite topic besides Bennett,is what we’re creating. But we we practice not doing work so that we have a chance to restore.
Beck- I also want to talk about space. And I want to talk about space, practically lovely ones we have come from a very small house. We were so close to our neighbours that we can actually hear our neighbours burp would you believe was not fun times.
Beck- And as creatives you can imagine how much Other people’s energy being so close to you can actually impact your creative process. So as we’ve evolved together as a couple, one of the things we’ve really prioritised is getting creative space.
Beck- We each have our own space, I have my office in the house, and Lisa has a studio in the backyard, which is pretty important because you need to be able to soundproof the studio to get the most out of it.
Beck- But in doing that, I think the other thing that we’ve come to which maybe other people don’t do, I’m not sure I don’t know what other couples do.
Nyssa- But leave us a comment.
Beck- Yes, let us know if you do this too. But what we do is, we actually spend quite a lot of time making changes to our creative spaces to make sure that they’re right for us that they’re inspiring that they do the job they need to do.
Beck- in Nyssa’s case soundproofing in my case that there’s enough room and I’m at a particular height in my desk, so don’t get a headache after sitting there typing for too long but We spend a lot of time creating space, don’t we?
Beck- So that’s another practical thing that we’ve done together and independently, which is to prioritise space. And to never think that it’s a waste of time or a waste of money to make those adjustments because the space that you could create in can heavily influence what you end up creating.
Beck- and I’m saying that as someone who’s written books in less than ideal circumstances, and you’ve created a full album in far less than ideal circumstances, so I’m not saying it can’t be done.
Beck- I’m just saying that we’re in a place where when you can focus on making those adjustments face can make a big difference. The other thing that we do as a couple as a creative couple I think we do it quite consciously. I don’t know about you, but I try to do it consciously is giving encouragement.
Nyssa- Oh, yeah, that’s like one My favourite things to do ever give encouragement. Yeah, because it really speaks to my optimism.
Beck- Yeah, but you also are really good at it. And what I want to talk about the flavour of our encouragement or my encouragement in particular, one of the things that I’ve tried to do over the course of our relationship is Be honest with my feedback on everything that you do,
Beck- so that you can always trust that when I tell you something is good, you know, because if something is not so good, or I don’t like it, I will tell you. And so there is an honesty that goes through our communication.
Beck- So that that encouragement is very real, and we can really rest in Okay, I’ve created something that has an impact on this other person. And I can trust that it has that impact because I also trust her to tell me when you know, it’s not it’s not as good I could do better or it’s not as good as what I’ve created, you know, for something else.
Beck- Yeah. And I Feel like you do the same for me, I there have been times where I’ve read you stuff that I’ve written in your life that feels a bit off, or I don’t really understand what you mean by that.
Beck- And as much as I don’t love hearing that feedback, the same as when you play me a song and I’m like, Oh, those symbols are gonna kill me. I’m not a fan of symbols people
Nyssa- yet there in every song,
Beck- like, just not a fan. Don’t turn them up. Don’t make them loud. They hurt my sensitivities. And so, when there are when there is feedback for us to give each other like that, we trust it, trust it, even though we might not like it.
Beck- But I do think we’ve evolved to have a particular style of communication to each other. That’s not abrasive. Yeah, yeah. Am I right? Are you gonna say no, you sound like a bitch.
Nyssa- I think I’m less abrasive than you.
Beck- I am a little more blunt.
Nyssa- Yeah, your blunt brace is not the right word blunt.
Beck- Yeah, I’m an efficient communicator. And I mean, sometimes I don’t Krishna as well as my coach. Sometimes a cushion helps in love people, I support the cushion. I don’t always use it
Nyssa- I bring the cushion whenever I whenever I bring something creative to show back. I also bring the cushion around my entire self worth. In case she’s just that that extra blunt, or, or just just her way of giving feedback.
Beck- My way of giving feedback is to tell you yes or no whether I like it, it’s a very, it’s a very clean line in the sand. And I’m very clear on whether I like something or whether I don’t and I don’t beat around the bush because I don’t like wasting time.
Beck- But in my experience that doesn’t always go down well, surprisingly. And so I’ve definitely learned to be a better communicator with my feedback. Yeah, over time.
Nyssa- Yeah, I used to get really hurt by it when we first got together
Beck- Yeah, and that’s understandable cuz I was pretty harsh.
Nyssa- Yeah. But you know, the longer that you’re with someone and as you say you learn each other’s creative processes and what works for them what doesn’t
Nyssa- At 8 years of being together, I feel like I’ve gotten a bit more of a thicker skin. Because not everybody’s feedback actually really matters. It’s what I feel whatever I’ve created. That’s, that’s number one.
Beck- Yeah, like, I like that point, that you choose who you get your feedback from. Yeah. And you choose whose opinions count. Yeah, actually, that’s a really good point, because I feel like how we’ve evolved is that sometimes my opinions counts, and sometimes it doesn’t.
Beck- And that’s a great evolution. Like sometimes you’ll say to you like this, and I’ll be like, No, I don’t like this about it. Can you change that? And you’ll be like, no, because the client wants that in and I’ve actually created this piece of music to perfectly to the client brief, and they love it.
Beck- And I’ll be like, well, I wouldn’t play it on Spotify. And you’d be like, Yeah, but the client I’ve hit up I’ll nailed the client brief. Absolutely. And a client loves it, and I’ll be like, Yeah, not my thing.
Beck- And I think in that case, where we’ve gotten to is you can totally walk away and go, I don’t give a shit what you think, because my client is the one that matters.
Beck- And it’s the same, I might read you something where you’re not my target audience so you don’t resonate with something that I’ve written and you’ll be like, Oh, my kind of goes over the top of my head, or, you know, it doesn’t, doesn’t land for me. And I’d be like, I don’t care because I know who I’ve written it for is gonna be able to receive it in the way that I want them to receive it.
Beck- Yeah, and the other thing that I wanted to just add to this episode, I’m conscious about when we can talk and I just lose track of track of time.
Nyssa- Oh, really lose track of time. You know, I’m sure I’m not the one.
Beck- I know. But we’re in a dock studio and
Nyssa- there’s no windows, no windows.
Beck- I have no no measure of what time it is right now. But one thing that I really want to talk about is going back to this idea from part A of this episode, which is that we share the same dream.
Beck- So as a couple, and as creatives, we’re lucky enough to both share the same dream, to live our lives creatively, and to be able to find a way to pay our bills while doing that and support our child and to leave a legacy and make some kind of meaningful difference to other human beings on the planet.
Beck– In doing that, I just want to say out loud how grateful I am that you are beside me, always with that dream. And as much as our dreams kind of evolve in terms of you know, what kind of house we want, or you know, where we see Bennett going to school, those types of things.
Beck- We’re always on the same page with are you creating in such a way that’s making a difference to you? Do you feel like you’re you you’re satisfied? As you know, we often have this satisfaction check in conversations.
Nyssa- Yeah. Which are really helpful.
Beck- Yeah, well, we look at are we on track? Yeah. Are we living the way we want to be living? And we stopped to celebrate how far we’ve come with discussions like this. We don’t normally record them.
Beck- Listen, listeners, but we have these discussions quite often to look at how far we’ve come and where we’re still headed. And the thing that’s consistent is we always share the vision of where we’re going as a couple and as a family.
Beck- And I couldn’t do what I do without you.
Nyssa- That’s good. I would hate it if it was somebody else.
Beck- It’s not.
Nyssa- No, likewise, I definitely wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be as creative and I wouldn’t be as brave if it wasn’t for you.
Beck- When you have that kind of supportive energy around you, I think it can really make a difference. difference. And listeners, if you’re listening to this, and you have a partner who is supportive of you, please go and tell them how much you appreciate them. Please express gratitude.
Beck- And if you don’t, if you have a partner who’s perhaps not supportive in the way that you want them to be, are you single at the moment, are choosing to be single good on you. Sometimes that is a simple and very rewarding life.
Beck- What I want to say though, is get your support team around you. Because this creative life is not the easiest of lives. It’s not the easiest path. I’m not saying nine to five job is easy, either, but there are particular struggles that show up for entrepreneurs and creatives like us
Beck- Yeah. And if that’s you, please don’t try to do it alone. It doesn’t have to be a partner. It might be your best friend. It might be listening to podcasts like this. It might be finding a community online where you feel seen what I want you to know though is we are out here and we are here to see you and we’re here to back you putting your work out into the world in exactly the way that you can.
Beck- But if you’re kind of going Beck, I’m a bit scared. And whenever I feel scared I just end up procrastinating or getting caught up in perfectionism or letting everyone have access to my time before I have access to my time and running out of time in the day to do the things that would truly take me in the direction that I want to go in.
Beck- Then you might be self sabotaging and if you are I want you to jump into the into the show notes RebeccaRay.com/free and tap on the registration link or button for my free masterclass goes for about an hour.
Beck- It’s called stop self sabotage and start living your bravest life That’s where I talk about my top tips for getting you over this hump of self sabotage, so that you can start putting yourself out into the world because that’s where we want to see you. We being Nyssa and I Yeah. Because she’s proud of me whenever I do this podcast, it’s been so nice to have her here as part of us. And if you want to find more out about NASA, where can they find you?
Nyssa- So you can find me @nyssaray.com and on all the socials. At Nyssa Ray,
Beck- thank you so much for coming on bub. Thank you for being my first guest. And I think that perhaps we should do some more conversations about what showed up for me is we’ve talked about this has been the times where we’ve actually struggled to, you know, get through, I think we should talk about those hard times a little more, because they could be helpful for listeners as well.
Beck- So yeah, maybe we’ll do more conversations like this in future.
Nyssa- Thanks for listening, everybody. I’ll catch you in the next episode.
Lovely, well Thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you got something meaningful from the episode, the most meaningful thing you can do is to leave a review wherever you listen to your podcast. Because it’s these reviews that help this podcast stay here. Make sure to subscribe and share this episode. I’d love to see your shares, so be sure to tag Hello, Rebecca Ray. I’ll catch you next time.
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