Hi, lovely ones. Welcome to episode number 15. How to hold life gently when that doesn’t go your way. I’m just gonna start this episode by being really real with you and letting you know that I’m batching some content right now and recording a number of episodes at once.
And if you’ve got your own podcast, you know that that’s often how it happens. But how What’s happening today is I’ve woken up on this Monday and I feel fine.
I’m on the back end of a cold that I’ve had for about two weeks. And even though I’m finally feeling like I’ve got some energy, I have this voice that isn’t quite my normal voice. So please forgive me. This is what happens in business, isn’t it? You just show up when you need to be able to get stuff done.
So that’s what I’m doing today. I’m getting it done. Even though I don’t quite sound 100% myself, I promise I’m completely here in spirit, I just don’t sound like it. So the foundation of this episode is how we find a way to navigate through times that are difficult, disappointing or don’t meet our expectations. In other words, how to sit with the discouraging parts of life, rather than running away from them or numbing out or shutting down in some way.
In this episode, I’m going to take you through some strategies to be able to approach the abrasive Parts of life in a way that empowers you to process what’s happening and to move forward in your own time. But before we dive in, I want to shout out Sarah Collie who wrote this review after listening to the podcast that she titled practical, wise and soothing. She says,
“I love how it’s clear that Rebecca has a strong clinical background. At the same time as she’s approachable and relatable. It makes for an excellent mix of practical, yet soulful, soulful advice you can feel confident about and added bonus is Rebecca’s soothing and comforting tone of voice.”
Sarah, I am so grateful for your review and please forgive me for my voice today. Slightly different today. I want to start this episode with a caveat please.
This episode is about disappointments and failures, not events significant enough to be considered traumatic trauma is present.
By the brain in a certain way, and having spent the vast majority of my clinical career trading trauma, you’ll never hear me put together a short podcast episode on how to get over trauma because psychological scarring doesn’t work like that.
If you’ve experienced trauma lovely once, and you’re struggling to manage your mental health as a result, I see you and I strongly encourage you to see your doctor and or mental health professional for support because recovery is possible.
But each journey and experience is unique and deserves and needs individual attention and care. With that said, disappointments happen.
Life can sometimes knock the wind out of our sails and leave us reeling.
It won’t always go your way. I know. This frustrates me too. And the thing is that you have the choice to try and avoid it.
You have the choice to try and cover up or ignore your feelings. You even have the choice to pretend that you don’t care all that much. But we both know you do, and
You’re simply a human doing your very best.
And there are times when your best feels like it’s simply not good enough. But rather than become emotionally paralysed and disconnected from what’s important to you, and the life that you’re trying to create, I want to show you another way forward.
At the beginning of this year, I launched an offer, I launched a course. And I got smacked in the face by how poor the results were. In the space of a week, I essentially received crickets from my audience on that particular launch, a launch that had previously done extremely well.
And so I admit I had expectations that were based on the previous launch that this launch would do just as well. if not better, apparently not.
In that week, not only was sales extremely poor, and I was relying on that income to be able to launch me into the next phase of my business and some other content that I had planned on creating.
But I was also humiliated on social media as a result of some ads that I put out on Facebook. So for those of you that have not seen me on video before.
I have what’s called a lazy eye, so particularly when I’m tired or I haven’t slept well, or I’m under some kind of stress, what happens is one of my eyes is not straight.
And so it can be difficult to determine for an onlooker exactly where I’m looking, and I’d filmed some video ads, Facebook, and there’s nothing I can do about having a lazy eye.
And I had woken up to about 25 different comments from mainly men on that. sharing gifs between themselves humiliating me because of my eye.
And not only that, but in the same week my credit card was declined. We were facing a very difficult time financially and right when I was hoping that that launch would give us some breathing space exactly the opposite happened.
Now, to be clear, no one died, right? Let’s have some perspective around this. My life continued spinning normally around the same axis upon which it had revolved the week before. In fact, the events themselves just irrelevant to this story. What’s relevant is my reaction.
This is pre COVID time, right? So, in January, we didn’t quite understand that a pandemic was about to affect the entire world.
And so the launch was kind of the biggest thing on my calendar. Problem but having the perspective of my health and wellness and how much gratitude I have for those things alone six months later but the thing is my reaction was that I was disappointed, disheartened.
And during my Just let me throw a tantrum first before I deal with this effectively moments, I was just angry that life hadn’t gone my way. Because why can’t it always go my way? I mean, really.
Please, could the universe just conspire to make sure that my path is smooth and peaceful? Thank you very much. But moving on from questions with answers that I don’t like.
Because I know but continually resist that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
I was just simply in pain.
And when in pain, the professional struggling in me wishes to give into the drive to fight with the pain to change changes, to get rid of it to make it something other than what it is.
The thing is that I’ve had a bit of experience with pain before now. And if there was a career recognition for professional struggling, then I’d be employee of the month, many times over actually.
I have frown lines that are not just from demonstrating empathy in therapy with my clients as I walk alongside them on their own healing journey. And I have hot scars that in the past I’ve picked up for far too long.
I’m all too familiar with the quest to be rid of discomfort. And it’s taught me one thing for sure.
Struggling feels like the right response, but it produces the wrong results.
You’ll get a symphony of noise when all you were prepared for was the small ding of a triangle. You’ll get a pack of wolves, when you only asked for a puppy. In other words, struggling doesn’t work. Attempts to resist pain to make it smaller or less intense, very often result in the pain becoming bigger and more unruly.
And if you’re a creator, entrepreneur, or a person on a mission to live bravely and meaningfully, then a crucial part of choosing to live in alignment with your values, and to set big goals and go after your dreams, is that it’s a case of when not if you trip over and fall down.
Because we all do. The good news is that the falls will teach you more than any other lesson on your path.
But only if you’re willing to be taught only if you’re willing to get back up and keep moving forward.
And if you are willing If you do get back up, if you have failed more times than you can count, and yet, you continue to look towards your goals and dreams.
I want to remind you that you were different from the average person in some amazing ways. Most people quit. Most people say they gave it a go, but it didn’t work and they stop right there.
Most people shy away from the first sign of it getting hard. And who can blame them really, humans are not wired to embrace discomfort.
But the thing is when your goals matter, when it’s important enough, we can train our brains to thrive from sitting with discomfort in the service of accomplishing big things. You inherently know this, and that’s what makes you different.
But where you might be getting stuck is in how you keep going. When the going gets tougher than you expected, this is the part where I offer us some sage advice about how to approach pain differently to revolutionise your experience of life and business and creating when it doesn’t go your way.
But the truth is that although my advice is based on hard won personal growth and a decent number of years of clinical experience and business, as well, as many, many failures, it isn’t advice that will be easy to swallow.
I’m not going to impart a secret that you missed somewhere along the road to healthy adulthood that will keep your emotional world calm and peaceful all the time. And these suggestions are all easier said than done.
And I’m convinced that they require lifelong practice. And even so, I promise they’re worth it. They worth it because sometimes doing what’s counterintuitive is surprisingly effective.
They’re worth it,
I’ve learned that it feels better to hold life in the way that I like to hold hands gently with hope, and with the compassionate understanding that all skin blades when it’s cut, and they’re worth it because living the life of your dreams is not only possible, but it feels bloody gourds even just to be on the path of progress.
To do these things, I want you to try these strategies.
Number one, choose acceptance over resistance.
In the realm of counterintuitive strategies for emotional pain, acceptance is top of the list for the most misunderstood and most difficult to practice.
Acceptance does not mean that you approve of the pain. Like the pain or want the pain, it simply means that you acknowledge pain as a normal part of our human experience and allow it to be what it is without judging it, trying to change it or attempting to get rid of it.
Acceptance is not about giving up and wallowing in pain so that you drowned. It’s about living through the pain, while committing to doing what needs to be done to heal and move forward.
It’s about accepting that refund requests are a totally normal part of business. Even though you don’t have to like the way they make you doubt yourself.
Number two, choose to stay rather than walk out on yourself.
Well, this one’s an important one. Walking out on oneself is destructively addictive because it’s much easier to give up or choose emotion.
Band aids that only hide the Festering Wound temporarily or feed the inner voices that throw criticism at you all day long.
There is another option though, you can choose to stay and be with yourself. You can choose to do what you need to cope.
Even when those things are harder or less palatable in the short term. You can choose to back yourself and to keep going. And you can choose in favour of your own team. That is, you and you.
Number three, choose to expand your perspective rather than contract.
Hurting hearts are at best blinkered and at worst blind. tunnel vision toward the thing that caused your pain is natural. But that’s not helpful.
I want you to choose to widen your perspective of the situation, even if that means asking someone you trust, to help you to see your position from as many different windows as possible.
This doesn’t mean that you’ve got to change your mind. It simply means that you get the opportunity to reframe your pain with a view that doesn’t leave you feeling trapped.
This is one of the reasons I have a group of entrepreneurial friends who get it and get me. There are business experiences that many of my non entrepreneurial friends wouldn’t understand.
And I don’t expect them to, but my friends who do get it are the ones who can help me continue to see the big picture even when the details are tough, or not working out exactly as I’d like them to in that week.
Number four, choose to let go rather than clench your grip.
Struggling usually involve some form of white knuckled grip on control that you don’t have In times of uncertainty on the past that refuses to change to a version you approve of on mistakes you wish you hadn’t made.
On news you wish you went the way of a world determined to please you. Letting Go means you acknowledge where you don’t have control.
It means you move into uncertainty. It means you get brave about the flow of things, even when you don’t know how the chapter turns out, or why it’s gone this way in the first place.
Letting Go means you open yourself up to a new path, a different method, or a set of possibilities that you couldn’t otherwise see if you stayed fixated on how things should be.
Number five, choose to listen to yourself rather than turn away.
When we are hurting, our world is one of sensory deprivation. It’s not only blind but it’s also deaf, making it very difficult to hear anything other than negativity. But I invite you to do it differently.
I invite you to listen without preconceptions of what you’re going to hear. I invite you to listen to your kind voice, the one that offers you empathy and reassurance, the one that validates the pain with self love and intuitively guides you back to yourself through the confusion and discontent.
And I especially invite you to listen to the brave parts of yourself that are always whispering about your dreams and why they are so important to you.
Number six, choose to open up rather than closed down.
The rough and roar emotions generally prefer the darkness. They encourage you to isolate, hibernate and ruminate.
All of these actions have their place in the initial stages of Any coping process, but none of them are gentle in the long term and they keep you trapped in a cycle of withdrawal and distress.
Please open up to support. Ask for help from someone you trust first, and then from yourself when you’re able to hold your own hand, if there is no one close that you trust right now, go and say you’re professional.
We care and we want to help. When my launch failed in January, I did precisely the opposite of what I would have done if I was only looking at my bank balance and not at the big picture. Even though I was rule, and my faith in the future of my goals and dreams was a little shaky.
I enrolled in a mastermind and chose to get help from people who had walked the path that I wanted to walk, but they’d been there before me. It was not only a leap of faith given I could have easily stayed in a place of scarcity.
But it was the best thing I could have done for my business. And six months later, I’m sitting in a place where I have more time, money and energy flowing through my life and business than I could have ever expected. If I had have allowed myself to close down, and I definitely wanted to, this is the thing, I still have the urge to.
But if I had let myself go down that path and shut down emotionally and perhaps even practically, because back then I had thoughts of closing the business as well, then we would have been having a very different conversation. On that note,
Number seven, choose in favour of possibility rather than giving up on hope.
It might not have worked out the way you wanted it to right now, but that doesn’t mean that every single opportunity that life has to offer you has already happened, leaving you some kind of cardboard existence from here onwards.
Give yourself space to grow.
For what will not be, and when you’re able go gently into possibility of what might be. Even if you can’t yet imagine what it might look like. If you remember nothing else from this episode, I want you to remember this. Focusing on possibilities instead of problems will change your present moment and your future.
Number eight, choose permission over attack.
An armed heart is a defensive heart. That’s not a gentle way to hold pain that’s holding pain with the expectation of further emotional violence, either from yourself or from life itself. Personally, I suggest that you move into a place of permission instead, Grant yourself permission to be where you are.
You’re allowed not to decide. You’re allowed to choose again, you’re allowed to ignore it. Even this advice, you’re allowed to stop and rest. You’re allowed to go in a different direction. But you’re not allowed to attack yourself lovely ones. You’re not allowed to attack yourself for hurting in the first place. Give yourself permission to be human and to feel anything less is unfair, and invalidates how hard you’re trying?
Number nine, choose patience over haste.
Yes, I know. Time heals. All wounds and better days are coming and all that collective our role. My goodness, even I have to just roll my eyes at that. And the reason I put it there is because so many people say those platitudes to us thinking that they’re saying something helpful.
But you know what, some things need more time than we can imagine. To change or grow or heal or work out or resolve Does simply stop being so damn painful? That doesn’t mean that you’ll get over it. But having patience through the process will be a whole lot more comfortable than trying to force a process that is unrecoverable.
Is that a word? It is now, unreachable. The process of pain resolving itself is unreliable. I want you to trust your own timing, the timing of your goals, the timing of your arrival into readiness. If it ever comes, sometimes we never feel ready, we just need to start. Trust the timing of figuring out what you want to do, and the timing of whatever process you’re in right now.
Number 10. I want you to choose a story that encourages you not diminishes you.
Choose to reject any story you’re running in your head that damages your spirit.
- The story of not good enough.
- The story of failure.
- The story of it will never work out for me.
- The story of I’m unworthy the story of I’m unlovable.
- The story of giving up is the only option.
- The story of I’m defined by my past.
- The story of I’m lost and will never be found.
- The story of I can never love myself.
- And the story of it will happen for others, but not for me.
Lovely ones, please choose another story. The beauty is that you’re the author of your life and you can write it however you’d like to read it.
If you’ve been hearing the above stories in your head for a while. Perhaps the new story might sound foreign initially, but I beg of you write a story that fills your heart with fire and leaves your spirit with no option but to rally, rise and look forward.
Here’s to the practice of holding an old gently lovely ones. I’m committing to it, even when life doesn’t go my way, because I know my dreams and goals depend on it.
And if you want to commit to, but you find that you keep tripping yourself up or taking action that’s keeping you stuck in your comfort zone.
Then head over to RebeccaRaycom.au/free, that’s f r e, and register now for my free masterclass, stop self sabotage, and start living your bravest life. This one hour training is totally free. And will show you exactly why you’re getting stuck and what to do about it.
I hope to see you there. And I’ll catch you shortly for our next episode. Lovely ones thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you got something meaningful episodes, the most meaningful thing you can do is to leave a review wherever you listen to your pod.
Make sure to subscribe and share this episode. I’d love to see your shares so be sure to tag Hello Rebecca Ray. Catch you next time.
**This transcript is taken from our software and sometimes it’s not perfect, thank you for understanding.