Show Notes

Welcome to Hello Rebecca Ray, our collective home for courage, growth, and human to human connection. I’m your host, Dr. Rebecca Ray, human, clinical psychologist, author, and educator. I know only too well how fear comparison, and self doubt can stifle your potential. This podcast is all about brave and meaningful living, and how you can make your authentic contribution to the world today. And every day.

Lovely ones Welcome to Episode 19. We’re following on from Episode 18, where I talked about how my fees in business have held me back. In that episode, I broke down all the fears that have paralysed me and how they didn’t at all warrant the level of fear that I experienced at the time.

In this episode, I want to talk about the things in business that I should have been scared of. But I haven’t been because I didn’t fully understand the consequences of those things at the time.

So I really want to explore these things that have probably held me back, but I wasn’t scared of them because I didn’t really think very important.

Before we start, I want to shout out Katie Lou, who left this beautiful review after listening to the podcast, she said, “An insight into my life. My inner critic, and perfectionism is so draining. Rebecca, you’ve finally made me see that I desperately need to change so I can live a truly happy and enjoyable life. It is myself that is holding me back and not the world around me. Thank you, this change is a well needed.”

Thank you so much, Katie Lou, I really appreciate this beautiful review.

Let’s dive in and talk about the things that I should have been scared of in business because they have held me back in some ways. And I want to show you how you can address these fears, if they’re showing up for you to know about want to talk about the things that I should have been scared off. They’re all the things I was scared of. But now I want to talk about things that I really should have been scared of, because they’ve actually held me back. I wasn’t scared of this, but I should have. And that’s working harder and not smarter. That’s right actually meant to say it like that. I was not scared of working harder and not smarter. And yet I should have been.

I spent the first years of my online business making things so much harder than they needed to actually think I’m the queen of over complicating things and making things much harder. Trying to reinvent the wheel. Oh my goodness, trying to do it a cheaper way a different way. Oh, my goodness back head over yourself and just do it for goodness sake. And now my entire life is defined around is this hard? In which case? How can I make it easier? Because I truly believe that as women, especially moms, I’m talking to you and women in general, we tend to have lives where there are so many demands by other people on us, by our careers by all the things that we try to do in the day. And all the roles that we play in our lives as daughters, sisters, friends, wives partners, I really think there’s pressure on us to do all the things and do them perfectly. And one of the things I resent and refuse to buy into anymore is that I It must be hard, I must have to work hard in order to a make money and be be worthy. Bullshit.

Nope, I’m absolutely not going to buy into that anymore. And I don’t buy into it. And in fact, my life is far more defined by ease and flow than it’s ever been. Even though there’s certainly tweaks I continue to want to make to make it even more streamlined even easier. Because I want this to be sustainable. And I don’t want burnout to be a feature of my life in my future. Instead, I want to give my energy in a considered and effectively distributed way across the areas of my life that matter to me. And that means that in the times in the past where I’ve worked so hard to create something, I now know that what I should have been doing is looking at a way that I could do it fast, smarter rather than harder. I should have been scared of doing all the things myself and all my goodness did I not spend so much time and energy trying to do that at the beginning I was so frightened of investing in my business because I didn’t have a whole lot of money to invest in it really. And so I thought I’d do things myself to save money, I thought that was a sensible way of going about it. And I want to say from the other side, sometimes it is, you know, sometimes there are things that you can do yourself, you can do just as good a quality as what someone else can do. And it doesn’t really mean that you should have outsourced them if you can’t actually afford to do those things.

But what I will say, is by not investing in an assistant, in a graphic designer, in copywriting, in Facebook ads, all those types of things and trying to learn them myself. Where that got me was to a ceiling, a business ceiling that I kept on hitting my head against. And there is no possible way I could have gotten past that ceiling, before I started to invest in a team around me that can fulfil on the skills that I need that are not within my zone of genius, and also be able to provide me with skills and tasks and just assistance that I need. Because there’s only so many hours in a day.

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be sitting at my desk from 6am until 10pm.

At night, I just am not interested in that life. I have a little boy that’s going to get home from daycare this afternoon. And he’s going to come into my office and say, “Mommy, Are you finished now you come sit with me.”

And I want to be able to get up and immediately go and sit with him. Because that’s my heart right there.

But the thing is, if you’re doing all the things yourself, I promise you that a you’re not going to do all of them will be you’re probably gonna hate a stack of them are so many things that my system does for me that I cannot stand. And it’s the biggest relief to be able to hand those things over to her. Um, but also, by trying to do all the things yourself, you just can’t scale. There is only so much money to be made when you’re doing it all yourself. I’m not saying don’t get the ball rolling yourself to begin with, I’m just saying that know that there’s a ceiling. And beyond that, the thing that you need to be scared of is not allowing yourself to invest in your business to be able to reach the next level is what I should have been scared of was not offering what I have to offer and therefore reducing the number of people I can help.

So you know how I was talking about that fear of selling. For so long, that man I just put out tiny bits of free content. And I never put together my knowledge in such a way that I could really make an impact to people because I was just too frightened. I was just too frightened of selling. And that meant that how much time did I waste to not making offers? Not approaching my audience with what I have to give them? How much time did I spend looking at other people selling and think I couldn’t possibly do that? People wouldn’t buy what I’ve got And who am I to think that I can put a price on work and sell it.

Lovely ones, that’s bullshit.

If you don’t make offers, you can’t help your people.

And your people need you to help them not someone else. They’re looking at you, they’re looking to you, because you resonate with them in some way. If you don’t make an offer to them, then you’re ripping both of you off.

I wasn’t scared of this, but I should have been. And that’s hiding behind a brand. When I first put myself out online, I did it under the label happy habits. And I spent a good number of years hiding behind that brand. Because I was just scared. I thought people would want a brand more than they would want me and I did the thing. And people you might have friends that are in business that do this. And you know full well it’s just them behind the scenes. And yet they write from a way perspective. So they’ll write social captions and say, Oh, we love this new product that we’re putting out for you. And you know full well, it’s just them I did that. I’m putting my hand out I did that it was just me. And yet I would write oh my goodness, we love this so much about this particular I didn’t know part of the course that I was releasing. And what I should have been scared of is exactly that hiding behind the brand and the level of disconnect that that creates or at least it did for me. I am someone who really needs to be honest and authentic.

So honesty is my love language. There is no way that I can truly connect with you if I don’t feel like you’re getting me in my current state in this particular moment today.

And I did that for years, and I should have been Get of that because I think it was. Actually, I won’t say it was a waste of time, because I learned so much during that period about what I needed, and who I wanted to be in terms of what I offered you and how I showed up. But what I will say is, it delayed me being able to connect with you, it’s delayed me finding you.

Because it took me so long to get up the confidence to be able to show up as me, I should have been scared of trying to please everyone, and trying to create products for everyone, and not clarifying who I’m here to serve. And again, I did that for a long time, I created happy habits for everyone, I thought who wouldn’t want to be happier? Who wouldn’t want to know about these techniques that can actually help you to thrive. And yet, what that did was actually meant that I was talking to no one, you know, when you have a message that’s confusing, or perhaps not specific enough, that not enough people resonate with it, I should have been scared of that. Because what that meant was, again, I was delayed in finding my people, finding the people who needed my work in the way that I do it. And once I was finally able to do that, then I finally have a message for a particular person that I’m here to serve. And you can receive that message, you can listen to our podcast and know whether or not I’m for you. And you know what, if I’m not for you, then the greatest gift you can give yourself and me is to go and find who is for you.

And the greatest gift I’ve given myself in this business process has been to stop trying to speak to everyone and instead speak to the one or two people that I have in my head that I know need to hear my particular message, it’s such a relief, to just be able to speak to those people. And in doing so I’ve found more of those people, if that makes sense. I should have been scared of giving up and the energy that I’ve spent thinking about if I should go and get a job. And oh my goodness, there’s been a lot about energy has been about. She’s noting before I got serious, that’s not true. I’ve always been serious about this business process. But before I allowed myself to fully step into a place of possibility and to invest in my business accordingly. I spent a lot of time thinking this is not working. I’m not making any kind of sustainable income. So maybe I should just go and get a job. Now you know full well that because I’ve spoken about it before that I got burnt out from doing clinical work. And so going back to clinical workers, not an option. And that’s meant that honestly, I have laid there a night at various times thinking maybe I should just go and work at the local war worse. I don’t know what else I’m qualified to do.

We have a dairy down the road from us, and I love cows, cows and my spirit animal. And there have been times where I’ve actually said to Nyssa maybe the dairy will take me on as an apprentice maybe I can learn to go and look after the cows. And I was dead serious about that there has been times where I’ve actually applied for jobs. I’ve not gotten them. Surprisingly, the universe works in mysterious ways does not even that was disheartening at the time, I thought oh my goodness, maybe I’m too old to hire now. And what I should have been scared of is all this energy that’s been spent on Should I give up. Because I now know that it’s the grip to keep going. That has allowed me to be where I am today.

It’s the great to find another way to be able to ask for help.

Something else that I should have been scared of not doing earlier, but I finally did it. Which is enabled me to open up a way of this actually working. I should have been scared of the energy I’ve spent on thinking I’m not good enough and getting paralysed as a result. So I was scared of not being good enough. absolute rubbish. Of course, I’m good enough. But the energy I spent on thinking that again, paralysed me and delayed me from putting my work out into the world. And I should have been scared of two things that are inherently related. And that’s perfectionism and burnout. And I wasn’t scared of them, you know, because I thought they were a feature of my previous life as a clinical psychologist in private practice, but they have very much present in the business world. And so as a business owner, if you’re listening to this, and if you’re waiting until the foil on your graphic design is rose gold and not yellow gold before you Put it out into the world. And if you’re staying at your desk from 6am until 10pm, because it’s not quite perfect yet, then I promise you that the road that you’re on is one that is going to roadblock you and eventually lead to burnout if it doesn’t change. But those things are things I should have been scared off.

And I wasn’t. And I now know that again, it comes back to working smarter and not harder.

The last thing I want to talk about lovely ones, I’m still afraid of some things. But I work through them. And that’s again, selling and putting a price on my work, that fee hasn’t gone away. It’s just that my comfort zone has widened. So I do it now in an accepting way, I accept that the fear still there. But it doesn’t stop me. And it certainly doesn’t stop me from valuing my work in such a way that I charge for it so that people know it’s valuable and so that I can feed my family. And stay doing this for a long period of time. I’m scared of taking a break. I’ve always been someone who loves to be productive. And the fear around taking a break. And whether or not this all might disappear, if I do take a break can be something that shows up for me, but I do it. In fact, if I need to take a break on a day when my to do list is full, I still do it.

Because I know that no amount of approaching burnout is worth me being productive.

I see my productivity an entirely different way. Now, that includes how I look after myself during the process. I’m still afraid of how long some things take to create. This does my heading because I’m so impatient, my lifelong lesson is to be patient. So sometimes I’m like, ah, I you serious. This is taking me like three days to work on. And I thought it was gonna take a couple of hours. And again, I bring some acceptance to that. It just is what it is. And again, I make sure that I’m not making it more complicated or overthinking it. And if I’m not making it more complicated, if it just takes that long, then that is what it is, I just have to accept that. Occasionally, I’m frightened of deadlines, and of times when I need to level up my effort. So you know, there’s times in life where you’ll come to a particular pointy end of your to do list where something needs to be done. I’m on a deadline for my second book manuscript for this year right now. And there is part of me that still is frightened of the level of effort that is required to get to the deadline to meet it in such a way and still do quality work. And I want to say that I’m scared that my energy won’t keep up. It always does. I know that. And I know that there’s a break on the other side of it. But it doesn’t change the fact that the fear is present so sometimes I think to myself, am I going to make it Am I gonna make it Am I gonna make it? Again, I recognise that that fear is there, I allow it to be there. But it doesn’t stop me from turning up at my computer to write the next chapter.

And finally, sometimes I’m just scared of doing things I don’t want to do. Maybe it’s not scared, just annoyed. Sorry, there is still things in business that I have to do, because I’m the only one that can do them even though I don’t particularly feel like doing. So I think where that’s concerned. I’m just in a place where I know that getting over myself takes far less time than sitting there wallowing about it. So lovely ones, I hope this has been helpful for you today. I hope you’ve seen yourself in some of my fears, so that I can be the one to sit here and tell you that as you move through these fears. There is an amazing life in business. On the other side. I truly believe in being in business and being your own boss, and the freedom that that brings, and I love it so much. But it’s not without emotional bandwidth being taken up by this stuff. All of these fears could have resulted in business ending self sabotage for me, but luckily, they only held me back a little before I did the work I needed to do to get out of my own way.

And if you need a helping hand to get out of your own way as well then I’ve got you I promise.

Just go to and sign up for my free masterclass called Stop Self-Sabotage and start living your bravest life.

I believe in you lovely ones and the impact that you could make. It’s time that you started making that impact because your audience needs you as well. I wonder if you can relate to these fears loving ones.

I’ll catch you next Tuesday bright and early at 6am when the next episode drops, lovely ones.

Thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you’ve got something meaningful from this episode, and the most meaningful thing you can do is jump on over to wherever you listen to your podcast episodes and leave a review. Because it’s those reviews that help this podcast stay. Make sure to subscribe. And if you are generous enough to share this episode, thank you so much. I love seeing your shares on social media. So please tag me catch you next time.