Show Notes:

Welcome to Hello Rebecca Ray, our collective home for courage, growth, and human to human connection. I’m your host, Dr. Rebecca Ray, human, clinical psychologist, author, and educator. I know only too well how fear, comparison, and self-doubt can stifle your potential. This podcast is all about brave and meaningful living, and how you can make your authentic contribution to the world today and everyday.

Hi, lovely one welcome to episode number 82, 15 lies you’ve been told about what your journey should look like. They’re not true. I hope this episode gives you some relief because these are all lies that at some point or another I’ve bought into and I really want to be truth telling today about how incorrect these lies are. And yet they’re perpetuated by social media by the media at large, and perhaps even by friends of yours who believe them. So let’s get started.  These are 15 lies, you’ve been told about what your journey should look like.

Number 1, you must know where you are headed. What rubbish, this is actually bullshit, I really want you to understand that sometimes, the only way we can know what our future is going to look like is by blazing a trail that creates it on the fly, you don’t have to know where you are headed at all times. In fact, sometimes the best things that occur for us are the things that we don’t expect. So let’s let go of that.

Number 2, you should be there by a certain time, oh, my goodness milestone timelines. I’m sure that you understand what I’m talking about. You know, you have to be married by 30 and have 2.4 kids and you have to have I dunno, an SUV parked in your driveway and be climbing the corporate ladder or whatever it is that you’re trying to do. There are these milestone timelines that we apparently should fit into. But on any journey, whether it be a healing journey, or relationship journey, whether it be your career journey, there is no timeframe. My first book was published when I was 38. I think. And I didn’t even know I wasn’t anywhere close to finding a publisher the year before. I actually wasn’t even trying. It’s only now as I’m approaching my mid 40s, that I feel like my career is catching up to where I would like to be. Mid 40s. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was well into my 30s. So I really want you to be careful about what kind of expectations you’re placing on your shoulders. Because the fact that you should be there by a certain time is an absolute lie.

Number 3, failure is embarrassing. No, it’s not. Failure is a realignment. Failure is essential data about what works for you, what doesn’t work for you and where you would like to head next. Failure is only embarrassing if you buy into the messages that you should be perfect and get it right first go. Failure is a sign that you’re out there doing it. Failure is exactly the thing that shows you that you are living fully richly and meaningfully rather than sitting on the sidelines. So let’s let go of that pretty quickly.

Number 4, there’s a right way to do it. No, there’s not. No there’s not, despite the fact that I’m sure you can google whatever it is that you’re trying to do, from dating, to planning your wedding, to getting pregnant, to starting an online business, to writing a book that there’s a right way to do it, bullshit. There’s only the way that works for you. The way I write a book will be very different to the way other people write books. The way I parent will very likely be different to the next person. The way I love will be different to the next person. And I want you to be able to embrace what works for you rather than stepping into this idea that it needs to look a certain way and you need to consciously create that way of doing it. You don’t. The only way that works is the way that’s right for you.

Number 5, you should look to everyone else to work out how it should be done. Now, don’t get me wrong. If you absolutely don’t know how to do something, it can be really helpful to actually jump online, do some research, figure out how you can get it done, figure out how you can think about what skills you will need or what resources you need, that’s fine. Research is always valuable but when you’re looking about at how other people do it, I really want you to do so from the mindset that the way that’s going to work for you is the way that works for you. You can learn the rules and then break them so that it actually works to fit for you, rather than looking at how someone else does it for how you should do it. This certainly applies for me in business, I don’t do business, the way many other people do business. And I do it that way because it works for me. If I looked for how other people do business, then I would very likely be trying on things that are actually a really bad fit for me.

Number 6, it doesn’t count if you have nothing to show for it. Absolute bullshit, especially for healing journeys. And especially for things that don’t turn out the way you expect it to. If you don’t walk away with having something in your hand, something tangible to show for your efforts, what you have instead is the experience and the wisdom that is going to inform your future. So please let go of that.

Number 8, you must be fearless on your journey. Oh my goodness. If you’ve been around me for a while you know how frustrated I get about the word fearless. Fearless is not a thing unless you have a brain injury or you’re a sociopath, we actually need fear. It’s part of our survival response that tells us when we’re in unfamiliar territory. So if you’re feeling fear, then that’s a sign that you’re outside your comfort zone. You don’t have to get to a state where you’re emotionally fearless in order to be able to do the thing at all. In fact, waiting until you feel fearless means that you might be waiting forever. So that’s a lie. Let’s let go of that one.

Number 9. If you’re doing it right, then it will be easy. No it won’t. Everything that I do that’s worthwhile in my life is not easy. I wish it was because my brain really hates effort. But generally, the bigger the results we get, the more we value those results when we put the hard work in. So just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re not doing it right, let go have that.

Number 10. Think positive, and it will all work out. Oh my goodness, please don’t put this pressure on yourself. It’s absolute bullshit. And it belongs to ridiculous quotes on social media. You can’t just rely on thinking positive in the hope that it will all work out. Now, if mantras work for you, then great. If you like to consciously think certain thoughts on your path, great, go for it. But if you’re putting pressure on yourself to always be thinking positive, then what’s going to happen is the minute your brain pipes up with a little bit of concern or self-doubt, you’ll think that you won’t be able to continue and that it’s not going to work out. That’s rubbish. We can’t necessarily control what we think. But we can control how we respond to that thinking. So go with what you can control, control your responses, control your actions, that’s what’s going to help it work out.

Number 11, it’s every person for themselves. Not in my experience lovely one, you don’t have to make everything a competition or assume that everything is a competition, you don’t need to assume that there’s a finite number of resources out there. And if you don’t get there first, then there’ll be nothing for you. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. As my career continues and takes new twists and turns, I find more people along the way who are available to support me. And it becomes a two way street. I contribute to them and they contribute to me. And what I’ve discovered is that rather than it being every person for themselves, quite the opposite occurs where you actually develop your support crew around you and you each contribute to each other. You don’t have to do this alone. That’s a lie.

Number 12. If everything is not going well at the same time, you’re still missing the secret. I very rarely see everything in my life, operating in a straight line at the same time. So and this might be the same for you, you might have things going well, health wise you might be the fittest you’ve ever been. And yet finances are a bit of a struggle right now. You might find that your relationship is really tight and connected right now it’s going really well and yet you just missed out on a promotion at work. It doesn’t mean that you’re missing something, it doesn’t mean that you need to work toward everything being perfect at once. In my experience, that’s actually impossible. So instead, I will encourage you to celebrate the richness of life rather than thinking that you’re missing out on something because you’re not.

Number 13. You can’t do the thing until. Until whatever rules you’re setting around the thing, you lose weight, you make enough money, you have enough time, you have whatever other rules you’re putting in place. So that it makes you wait to be able to actually step out and start the thing. Readiness is a myth. It’s a lie. Please simply start, just do the thing.

Number 14, there’s a finish line. I actually wish this was true, but that’s a lie. I wish we could actually get there and go, I’ve done enough now, right? I’m there. I’ve done enough. It’s, I’ve arrived. But it doesn’t work like that, you know, life doesn’t work like that. So instead, this is also another reason to stop rushing, right? Take a breath, understand that we never actually get there. We just constantly keep realigning our way of being.

And finally, number 15. The perfection should be your standard. But instead, I want you to embrace consistency. It’s far more workable. The people that I see that are out there being successful are not the people that got it perfect. They’re the people that just stuck around enough and kept doing the thing consistently. There is no such thing as overnight success, you won’t get it perfect because none of us do. But if you’re consistent, you’ll eventually get there.

So I hope these 15 lies have helped to open up for you, the fact that your journey can look exactly how it needs to look for you and that’s okay. If you want to explore more free resources, jump over to That’s F R E E and I will catch you very shortly for the next episode of Hello Rebecca Ray.

Lovely ones, thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you got something meaningful from this episode, and the most meaningful thing you can do is jump on over to wherever you listen to your podcast episodes and leave a review. Because it’s those reviews that help this podcast stay here. Make sure to subscribe, and if you’re generous enough to share this episode, thank you so much. I love seeing your shares on social media. So please tag me, catch you next time.