Show Notes:

Welcome to Hello Rebecca Ray, our collective home for courage, growth, and human to human connection. I’m your host, Dr. Rebecca Ray, human, clinical psychologist, author, and educator. I know only too well how fear, comparison, and self-doubt can stifle your potential. This podcast is all about brave and meaningful living, and how you can make your authentic contribution to the world today and everyday.

Hi, lovely one. Welcome to Episode 73 of Hello, Rebecca Ray. The third and final in a series on overcoming self-sabotage, where I take snapshots from my course Overcoming Self-Sabotage, to show you exactly what the course is about. June is overcoming self-sabotage month for me, because I have both my course which is the deepest dive that you can do on being able to transform your stickiness the areas where you’re getting stuck into actually doing the things that you say you want to do. But I also have the release of my new book Small Habits for a Big Life, which is coming out at the end of this week, I believe. So if you’re in a place where you’re feeling stuck, then please listen to episode 71, and episode 72, as well as this episode. And if you’d love what you hear which I anticipate you will, jump into my course, over at The course is also called Overcoming Self-Sabotage. Now in this episode, we’re exploring module three, a snapshot from module three in the course, about why it’s so essential to have a foundation to know why you’re doing what it is that you want to do. If you don’t know the why behind your change the change that you want to make in your life, then it becomes very hard to stick to it. Let’s get into it.

Hello lovely one, welcome to module three of Overcoming Self-Sabotage, from Paralysis to Progress. I’m so excited about joining you for this module, because this is where we start to put the wheels in motion. This is the module where I’m going to fill your toolbox with a whole series of tools that are going to show you how to get from point A self-sabotage to point b self-supporting actions instead. And we’re starting with step number one, which is connecting with your why. And this is not about why it’s important to overcome self-sabotage, because you already know that’s important. Instead, it’s about connecting with your bigger purpose. It’s about having clarity around the values that are important to you in this area of your life. And it’s about not forgetting your reasons. So choose one area of your life where self-sabotage is showing up. We talked about this in module two, and it’s likely that area that you chose in module two, go back to that area. Even if there’s multiple areas of your life that are affected, I want you to choose the one that is causing you the most discomfort. Because if you work on that area, there’ll be flow on benefits for the other life areas that are affected when you work with the biggest source of discomfort to begin with.

We’re going to work with the science of small wins. To avoid overwhelming your elephant, we need to lower the bar, that is lower your expectations and lower what we’re asking your elephant to do. Choosing one area to focus on and then creating tiny steps within that area gives your elephant boosts of confidence to keep moving forward. We call this the science of small wins. That is small pieces of evidence that change and progress are possible. We’re actually proving to your brain that you can do it by tiny little wins at a time, one small step followed by another small step. And the caveat is that some people do respond well to a significant change all at once, for example, going cold turkey when you give up cigarettes, especially if it’s done on a certain date, like the first of January. So what I want you to do is I want you to really draw on your self-knowledge here. Something that I’ve learned in recent years in overcoming my own self-sabotage is I used to be like that, I used to be one of these people that really responded quite well to a line in the sand. This is it from this day forward. I’m not doing X or I am doing X and I’m just not like that anymore. It’s like I’ve got too many demands in my day to day life that asks my elephant to do hard things like writing books and parenting a toddler. And I just don’t have the willpower available to do something cold turkey like that. So I’ve actually changed to respond much better to small wins than what I used to be able to do, which was to do something drastic and stick to it. So please work with your own self-knowledge. Having a why is essential for follow through, you know that by now, we often completely forget about our purpose and don’t make the connection between the habits were trying to create and the values that were aligning to. So this is one of the things that I wanted to work with you on reconnecting you with your values. Because it’s not just about the goal. It’s not just about replacing your self-sabotage habits with self-supporting habits. It’s about what those values represent to you when you’re aligned with them. If you attach your self-supporting behaviour to your values, and say it out loud, it can be incredibly powerful to keep you going. So if you say out loud, for example, if you want to start a running habit, I’m going running, and when I go running, I’m modelling to my child healthy, active living, and my child will grow up absorbing these values, saying it out loud, really cemented in your brain, I do this, but I don’t necessarily do it out loud now, with my swimming because swimming is more ingrained is something that I do often. But I do tend to stop in my mind and go I’ll feel so much better if I go swimming, because it’s who I want to be for my child. It’s who I want to be as a wife, and it’s who I want to be as someone that connects with their body in a meaningful and healthy way.

We eagerly wait for the shift when our new routine becomes automatic. But while new neural pathways are developing, it’s difficult it asks a lot of your elephant and it takes lots of willpower. Staying close to the why behind your decision is what helps you push through when it becomes difficult in the time before the behaviour is automatic.

So I want you to imagine that your values are your anchor, because that’s exactly what they help you to do is to stay grounded in what’s important to you. Life is the boat, threatening to derail you and push you off track by whatever weather comes along. And your values of the anchor that keep you aligned. So we need to make your why tangible, how can you represent your values so that you can connect with them tangibly? They could be represented in the person for example, you might look at your child and think I want to role model healthy eating practices to my child, I had I worked with a woman who had grandchildren that she adored, and she kept a photo of her grandchildren’s small pocket sized photo in her wallet while she was going through the process of curbing her spending, so that each time she opened her wallet, she saw a picture of her grandchildren and her why was to make sure that she had money in bank to be able to spoil her grandchildren when Christmas time came.

Are your values represented in pictures that you see every day so you could create a vision board or put visual reminders around your workspace. Or perhaps your values are represented by a feeling that you want to experience. For example, feeling proud of yourself after promoting your new business venture to some prospective clients. Sometimes the value is to look forward to the feeling that your future self in half an hour’s time is going to feel if you actually do the thing. So returning to why is much easier if you’re connected to the anchor of your values once you get pushed off track. So the storm comes in, you have an off day or an off week or an off month and the boat is off track your values act to bring you back into alignment. So essentially, by returning to your why you’re re-establishing your centre about what’s important to you. Now when it comes to feelings, if you’re going to choose feelings to connect with your values, I just want to remind you that we can’t directly control our feelings as much as I wish we could, we wish we could. Oh my goodness, if I had $1 for every time a client had asked me a way to control their feelings. But the thing is we can control our actions and I don’t want to set you up for failure by having you expect to be able to call you control your feelings when that’s impossible. So instead I want you to focus on being able to control what you do or don’t do. The awareness that you’re building gives you the space to choose actions that will help you to feel the way you want to feel. It looks like this.

So you choose, then you do, then you feel. One, choose what’s important, two then do what’s important. Then three, you can expect to feel your desired feelings. But you need to choose and do first. If you wait around until you feel first, remember, feelings are fickle, like motivation, you could be waiting for a very long time.

So your real life action for this video, we’re going to build on the values exercise that we started in module two, I want you to jump into your workbook and go back to that one area of your life that you want to work on. Go to the section for Module Three in your workbook and list the values that are important to you in the life area that you’re working on. Write down how you make your values tangible. And decide how you want to feel, get clear on what these values will be and what they’ll look like. And we step forward with gentle acceptance as always, I’m so proud of you for coming this far and I can’t wait to continue working through with you on what we do about self-sabotage to put the wheels in motion of your change.

I hope you enjoyed this episode on getting clear on your why episode 73 of Hello Rebecca Ray. Thanks for joining me lovely one. If you have enjoyed this three part series on Overcoming Self-Sabotage, and you want more jump over to my website,, where I have an entire course on Overcoming Self-Sabotage that is going to help you to shift from procrastinating or getting attached to making mistakes or beating yourself up with negative self-talk or being perfectionistic. And instead stepping into your potential. That’s, where you’ll find my course on Overcoming Self-Sabotage. I’ll catch you very shortly for the next episode of Hello Rebecca Ray.

Lovely ones. Thank you so much for listening to Hello, Rebecca Ray. If you’ve got something meaningful from this episode, then the most meaningful thing you can do is jump on over to wherever you listen to your podcast episodes, and leave a review. Because it’s those reviews that help this podcast stay here. Make sure to subscribe, and if you’re generous enough to share this episode, thank you so much, I love seeing your shares on social media. So please tag me, catch you next time.